ミランダ (大丈夫) (faded_lace) wrote,
ミランダ (大丈夫)

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So, this is the infamous 58 that me and V wrote! It's very long, so I'm posting it in four parts. It doesn't divide up that nicely... sorry! I hope you enjoy, but PLEASE READ THE WARNINGS BEFORE READING~ Thanks~

Part: 1

Disclaimer: Gojyo and Hakkai belong to the most revered Minekura-sensei~

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: NON-CON. m/m, language, violence, drug abuse, angst

Author's Note: I wanted to write something where Hakkai got to be tortures, so here you go XD; Please enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it!

Chin Yisou looked up from his new puppet with a vague smile. “Oh, it seems your friends are here.” He took a step closer to Cho Gonou and placed his remaining arm on the sinner’s shoulder. Gonou didn’t move—he merely continued to stare in horror at the now limp body of the priest. “You’re without the will to move?” Chin Yisou asked, as if concerned, drawing his nails down Gonou’s arm and taking his hand. “Then please, allow me.” He opened his eyes slowly and licked his lips, lifting Gonou’s hand to his face and inhaling deeply. He could all most smell the blood of the countless lives he’d taken, and the scent of the priest’s death was freshly imprinted on the beautiful, almost feminine, hand. “Come,” Chin Yisou whispered into Gonou’s ear, pulling him to his feet even as his two friends burst into the clearing. “Let’s lose everything.”
“Hey!” Goku exclaimed reflexively when he spotted Hakkai. Gojyo was directly behind him, but he still felt the need to announce his relief. “There he is!” Hakkai wasn’t moving, and the creep seemed to have him by the arm, but Gojyo shouted from behind him before Goku could make a move or assess the situation.
“Hakkai, you oka—” When Gojyo spotted the body, he couldn’t finish the question. He knew Goku saw it, too.
“Sanzo!?” Goku cried, lurching forward. “Sanzo! What did he—”
“What the hell’s going on?!” Gojyo cut the monkey off before he could finish.
Chin Yisou smirked viciously, shifting his hold on Gonou as he watched the two summon their weapons. His little game wasn’t finished yet. Oh, far from it. He made eye contact with the redheaded one—the one he’d first attacked, the one in whom he’d sensed a peculiar bond to Gonou—and grabbed Gonou by the face, brutally pulling his lips into a kiss. A mere taste of what was to come. A preview for the redhead of what Chin Yisou prayed the man would soon see, of what he wanted Gonou to know his friend had seen.
Gojyo tensed visibly, the hatred and revulsion he felt for the fortune teller compounded by the simple action, the kiss that probably meant nothing to him, but that meant everything to Gojyo. In Hakkai’s expression, Gojyo could read no emotion, could find no trace that the kiss had any sort of effect. But then again, Gojyo always had trouble reading Hakkai’s emotions. Still, this was different. Chin Yisou had done something to him, of that Gojyo was sure, and would certainly continue to do more. That was what the look had meant. Bait. And Gojyo would eat it up willingly. He had to. He had to because from the moment he’d seen Hakkai’s piercing green eyes the night when Cho Gonou had looked up at him in the rain, Gojyo had been in love.
Even as Gojyo swung his shakujou, as Goku jumped into the air for an aerial strike, he could see Chin Yisou and Hakkai begin to flicker, becoming steadily insubstantial until they both disappeared. Teleported. Fuck. Gojyo swung anyway, the deadly blade slicing though the air; it would have taken off Chin Yisou’s head if he’d still been there, and Gojyo would have had Hakkai back. The blade slid back into its place and Gojyo dismissed the weapon as he fell to his knees, clutching his heart. It was lame to think how apt it was that it should be what hurt now, that his heart was what Chin Yisou had targeted when he first hurt Hakkai.
Hakkai lurched suddenly into consciousness to find himself in some sort of dark cavern.  He was disoriented--what was going on?  He tried to stand, feeling the need to hide any weakness he may have been showing, but found it to be quite impossible. Now, he was realizing, his arms were held above his head, chained together at the wrist to the wall of the cave behind him, and his ankles were chained to the wall behind him as well on short chains, forcing his legs spread apart.  A feeling of panic rose in his stomach and to his throat, and he tried desperately to remember what had happened.  
All of a sudden, it hit him.  Chin Yisou-- they had been dealing with him, and then... suddenly, everything had become hazy, and... what had happened?   What had he done?  As much as he was trying to fight it back, fear was clenching in on his heart and his pulse was quickening-- he couldn't let Chin Yisou win, but he didn't even know where he was, what was going on.  He knew he had to be calm, he had to think-- Chin Yisou was trying to get at him, after all, and so he took a deep breath, trying to get a hold on his own mind.  He was Hakkai--Cho Hakkai, and he could deal with his own demons later.  He simply had to get rid of Chin Yisou, that's all there was to it... but how, when he couldn't even move, where he had no idea what was going on?  He would just have to stay calm and think--that was the only solution.
“So you’ve come to yourself, have you, Cho Gonou?” Chin Yisou asked gently, stepping into Gonou’s felid of vision. He’d been watching him, prickling in anticipation, barely able to contain his excitement for what was to come next. He pressed himself impossibly close to his prey; Chin Yisou couldn’t keep his hands off of him any longer—he’d waited so long already—years and years of planning, of simply waiting for the moment he could at last destroy the sinner, the hypocrite, the focus of everything his life had become, the very reason he was still alive. “Are you afraid, Gonou?” Chin Yisou asked, taking Gonou’s face in his clawed hand and forcing him to look him in the eye. How Gonou’s eyes delighted him. In them you could just glimpse the monster…until Gonou let the façade down—then the emerald eyes were truly beautiful. Then you could see the real man, the murderer of thousands, Cho Gonou. And that was what Chin Yisou needed to see. He would not be satisfied, could not be satiated, until he’d made Gonou relive all the pain of that night and show him his true self, the monster they’d created together.
Hakkai was genuinely startled at the sound of Chin Yisou's voice, and though, after the momentary shock, he steeled himself and built up his facade once more, he couldn't help but suddenly feel extremely helpless.  In his current position, there was no way he could defend himself physically, and he felt entirely vulnerable.  Still, he knew Chin Yisou was playing mind games with him, and so even when they were unbearably close, even when Chin Yisou touched his face, forced his attention, he kept his smile firmly in place, not faltering for a second.  "Really, you don't give me very much credit, do you?" he asked, with all the politeness and calmness he could muster.  He simply couldn't let Chin Yisou break him... and he would have to play the rest by ear.  
“And I think you under estimate your own strength, yes?” Chin Yisou smirked, opening his eyes ever so slightly. “You should be scared.” He hissed, jerking forward against Gonou abruptly, watching delightedly as he flinched. “You killed him, you know. And it was beautiful…his dying gasps as you smothered the last breath out of him… Your face was twisted in pleasure—I want to see that again.” He closed his eyes slowly and ran his hand down Gonou’s chest, longing to touch the spot he’d once torn open so long ago. “You should be scared because now they’ve seen your true self, as I have seen it. They know what you did. Your friends. I’m all you have now. You’re all I have.”
Hakkai's mind raced to figure out what Chin Yisou was talking about.  Who had he killed?  When?  Between now and when he last remembered?  But when was that?  Hakkai felt almost as if he was struggling through the fog again, and it was a struggle to keep up appearances and try to keep up with Chin Yisou mentally, too... He just couldn't seem to remember... They had all been together, they had split up, since Gojyo was injured and Goku was a little battered and bruised from his fall... he and Sanzo had been alone, and Chin Yisou had shown up, and then--

Hakkai's eyes widened as he realized what Chin Yisou was implying: he had killed Sanzo.  But--that wasn't possible.  Chin Yisou was playing with his mind--had to be.  Hakkai couldn't believe it, refused to believe it.  It simply couldn't be so, and so he pushed the idea from his mind and smiled harder.  "I'm sure they've seen worse."
“Oh?” Chin Yisou asked, disbelievingly, pulling away momentarily. “Ahh, but you didn’t hear him scream, did you? Little Golden Eyes. When he saw the body…poor child.” Chin Yisou moved back up against Gonou’s body and moved his hand a little lower, down to his belt, which he unbuckled. “What do you think he’ll think about you now, hmm? ‘They’ve seen worse,’ you say? What are the lives of thousands of demons to you and your friends?” He opened his eyes again and licked his lips. “Nothing, yes? But when someone you know dies…when someone like you kills someone like that priest…what do you think happens?” Chin Yisou shut his eyes again and pulled the belt from Gonou’s waist. “But what do I know about it? You killed everyone I knew, and I’ve long since forgotten them. I don’t even hate you any more…” He let the belt drop to the ground and returned his hand to Gonou’s waist. “I’m obsessed with you, in fact.”
Hakkai swallowed, both nervousness at where Chin Yisou's hand was going and fear for what he really had done to Sanzo prickling under his skin and knotting in his stomach.  Goku-- if he really had killed Sanzo, then-- But that wasn't a possibility, he told himself, there was no way.  But then again, he didn't remember anything... what if Chin Yisou really had... had forced him to kill Sanzo?  He knew he couldn't let himself think it, but... it was a definite possibility.  He knew he was really weak when it came down to it, and if he had... if he had done something terrible... He simply wouldn't be able to bear it.  
But he couldn't think that way, he couldn't.  To distract himself, he focused his attentions on the other problem at hand: Chin Yisou appeared to be undressing him.  As disconcerting as that was, the look in his eyes and the tone of his voice in addition to this fact were really making Hakkai's heart race, and he couldn't help it, he was afraid.  He was so entirely defenseless there was nothing he could do to stop Chin Yisou, to do anything in his own defense.  Still, he managed to talk back; as long as he had control over himself, Chin Yisou couldn't win.  "That's coincidental.  I still hate you," he shot back with a smile, but it was strained, and the idea of Sanzo dead was still lingering at the back of his mind.  
“And I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Chin Yisou murmured, shivering with delight. His defiance and his determination not to give in only made Chin Yisou want to see him crumble all the more. Gonou would break, he was sure, but how long would he really last? That was the question…and that was what made it interesting. He had asked Gonou what would make him happy…He wanted to see the range of expression such a sinner was capable of experiencing, and Chin Yisou wanted to be the one to elicit such emotion. He wanted to push him until pain became pleasure, till Gonou lost himself completely…till he screamed.
“Sanzo!” Goku called out again and again, on his knees with Sanzo limp in his arms.
“He’s not dead, monkey, he’s breathing.” Gojyo grunted, sitting down on his feet next to the two. “Hey. Sanzo-sama. Wake your holy-ass up.” Gojyo said a little louder, his tone disguising his concern.
Sanzo stirred, grunting.  It felt as if someone had taken a very large rock to his head, and his neck felt sore and bruised.  Unable to figure out what the fuck was going on and rather displeased with this situation, he opened his eyes to see Goku looking back at him, a distressed expression etched on his features.  Trying to sit up, he fumbled a little because his limbs were inexplicably heavy, and, feeling rather stupid, he swatted Goku away, forcing himself into an upright position.  Looking around, he saw Gojyo also sitting, looking at him skeptically, and Goku seemed as if he might cry.  Hakkai was nowhere to be seen, and Sanzo was, above all else, confused and worried.  "Idiots," he muttered acerbically, putting a hand to his head and trying to regain any sense of balance... certainly low blood pressure didn't help.  He remembered breaking away from the group with Hakkai, and then... "Does someone want to tell me what the fuck is going on?" 
“Sanzo!” Goku grinned with relief, happy to be pushed away because it meant Sanzo really was all right. “You fainted,” he explained quickly, unable to offer any more information since that was all they had seen.
“That sicko’s got Hakkai.” Gojyo explained. Now that he’d confirmed Sanzo was indeed still alive, Hakkai was all that mattered. “Were you attacked? You were on the ground when we got here.”
“What’s wrong with your neck?” Goku asked quickly, moving closer to Sanzo so he could examine the strange discolored marks forming there. “It’s all bruised.”
Sanzo narrowed his eyes, looking pointedly away as the questions jogged his memory.  He had been attacked—by Hakkai.  Chin Yisou had somehow been able to take control of him—but how could he break that to Gojyo and Goku?  How would they even be able to take it?  Still, it was stupid to beat around the bush, and so he turned back, hardening his expression and his voice.  "He has control over Hakkai," he replied flatly.  "The fucking pervert made him strangle me—it wasn't as if I could attack Hakkai back."  He had to get that bit in—couldn't sound weak, not to Goku and Gojyo.  "He's fucking with Hakkai's mind.  Wherever he has him now... it's not good."  
“But Hakkai’d never—!” Goku gasped.
“Shit.” Gojyo cursed, getting to his feet. “That fucking—! God damnit!” He felt like someone had punched him in the stomach. It just made him feel sick to know what Chin Yisou had forced Hakkai to do, and he got the feeling that it wasn’t because Sanzo wouldn’t attack Hakkai, but that he couldn’t, in fact, get an attack in. Which made him wonder. Why did Chin Yisou not force Hakkai to kill Sanzo? “We have to find him!” Gojyo shouted, somewhat frantically.
“But what are we even gonna do?” Goku whined, sounding almost frightened and seeming hesitant to leave Sanzo’s side. “Sanzo’s right, we can’t jus’ attack him, he’s Hakkai!”
Sanzo clenched his jaw and grunted in thought before making a decision.  "Goku, you'll come with me and we'll find Hakkai."  He turned to Gojyo.  "You, stay put.  We can't have an invalid trailing behind us."  With this decision stated as final law, he turned on his heel and started off at a rather fast pace into the fog.  He had no idea where that fucker could have taken Hakkai... but they'd find him, somehow.  
“Fuck you, you’re the one that just fainted!” Gojyo shouted after him, flushing angrily. “I’m not just sitting here and waiting for you to find him! You have no idea where to look—he could be anywhere!” Sanzo had already disappeared into the fog with Goku at his heels and that was the only excuse Gojyo needed. Who the hell was Sanzo to tell him what to do!? He would find Hakkai, no matter how long he had to search.
“I’ve never been truly attached to anything in this world, Cho Gonou.” Chin Yisou said softly, leaning in close to Gonou’s ear and biting it, tasting the metal cuffs that repressed Gonou’s true nature. He inhaled deeply and opened his eyes once again so he could watch as Gonou shivered at his touches. “You’re the first person I’ve taken an interest in…” Slowly he unbuttoned Gonou’s pants, pressing against him suggestively and pausing for just a moment before gently pulling the zipper. “I can just smell the death on you, you know. It’s intoxicating.”
Hakkai couldn't help it, he instinctively flinched away from Chin Yisou's unwelcome touches, straining against the chains.  He was so entirely helpless, so defenseless, he couldn't help but be afraid, but he couldn't give in, he couldn't lose himself.  That was exactly what Chin Yisou wanted, he knew, and so he ground his teeth and forced what he could of a smile.  "I have no idea to what you're referring."  Of course, he could be referring to Sanzo... but that wasn't fact.  Chin Yisou was messing with him, that was all.  But yet, a vague image was forming in his mind, a memory of his hands wrapped around Sanzo's neck... but it was all because of suggestion, he told himself, it was a delusion.  It had to be, or else, Hakkai knew, all was lost.  
“Shit…” Gojyo murmured, pausing under a tree and taking out a pack of cigarettes. His breath was coming short and his chest still ached. Worse still, his thoughts were in utter chaos; he couldn’t think straight, couldn’t get himself to calm down. He just kept going over what he’d do when he found Hakkai… What he could do to snap him out of whatever the fortuneteller had done to him… What he would do if Hakkai attacked him. But damn it! He couldn’t think about it! He just had to keep going and find Hakkai, at all costs. Maybe the cigarette would help—keep his mind from racing, dull the pain and the worry.

Gojyo jumped, nearly dropping his cigarette as he stumbled backward, away from the small doll that had just appeared from behind the very tree he’s just been resting under. “You little shit!” Gojyo shouted, summoning the shakujou, eager for revenge.
“You are looking for Cho Gonou the Murderer.” The puppet said mechanically in its high pitched voice. “Ahahahaha.” It laughed stupidly, just asking to be destroyed. “But you’ll never find him! Ahahahahaha!”
In its hands, the tile read “guide,” and while Gojyo was certain it was just another one of Chin Yisou’s crappy mind games, his optimism and desperation stayed his hand. “Shut your damn hinged-yap. Just what the hell do you want!?” Gojyo demanded, keeping his weapon at the ready nevertheless. He would not suffer a repeat of the previous attack.
“I want to show you something!” It trilled shrilly in response. “Come with me!”
“Oh, but I think you do.” Chin Yisou said darkly, looking directly into Gonou’s eyes and keeping their faces no more than a centimeter apart. He could smell Gonou’s breath on his face and it was delicious. The fear was mounting. “You killed that man. Even with all that faith he placed in you. But you can’t really be blamed, can you?” Chin Yisou smirked, closing his eyes and slowly sliding Gonou’s pants down off of his hips. “It’s in your nature,” he hissed. “You’re a sinner, Cho Gonou.” Chin Yisou growled, his voice rising in pitch, “And the death of that man, whatever he may have meant to you, was just another addition to the long long list of lives you’ve already stolen.” He was practically shouting now, and his single clawed hand had already made its way into Gonou’s pants, where it massaged, roughly with fervor, the skin of Gonou’s member.  “I want to see it.” Chin Yisou demanded. “I want to see your face twisted in painful pleasure.”
Hakkai's mind was on overload now, his usually very organized and methodic ways of thinking completely abandoned, and utter chaos was all that remained.  The picture was clear in his mind now, the memory of what he had done, how he had tightened his fingers around Sanzo's neck, how he had squeezed the life out of him, how Sanzo hadn't even had time to struggle, how he had coughed up blood before finally going limp and lifeless beneath Hakkai's hands.  He could feel it happening, and as he relived the moment, his heart rate sped up slightly, his throat grew tight.  He had killed Sanzo.  He had murdered again.  
That knowledge, combined with Chin Yisou's touches and words, was too much for Hakkai, and he simply couldn't take it anymore.  He was a murderer, a sinner, there was nothing he could do about it.  Squeezing his eyes shut and clenching his jaw, he let his head fall forward, doing his best to block Chin Yisou out entirely.  There was nothing he could do now, he was trapped, and even if he could get out, was it worth it?  He had murdered Sanzo.  He could never face Gojyo or Goku again.  Though he was terrified of it, he knew it was the truth: he deserved to die.  
“Where the fuck are you taking me, you little creep!?” Gojyo demanded, his patience wearing thin. He had no idea why the hell he was following one of Chin Yisou’s creations when it was very likely to be leading him into yet another trap designed to manipulate him and somehow further hurt Hakkai. Still, Sanzo and Goku had left him, Hakkai had been abducted, and really, no other options remained. Aside from stumbling around blindly in the fog—who knew where that would get him? At least this method was likely to get some sort of reaction out of the fortuneteller.
“I want to show you what you seek!” The doll squeaked, turning its head all the way around so that it could stare at Gojyo unnaturally though it’s painted on-eyes while still moving forward. “I know what you want!”
“Give me a straight answer, damn it! Are you taking me to Hakkai?” Gojyo yelled, thoroughly disturbed by the doll’s gaze and current unnatural position.
“I know what you want! Ahahahahaha!” The doll replied. Somehow its mechanical mouth seemed to smirk in a disgusting sort of way that further unnerved Gojyo. “I’m taking you to meet Cho Gonou!”
“What’s this, Cho Gonou?” Chin Yisou asked in a voice patronizingly high. “No defiant declarations? No scathing remarks?” He ran his hand a final time over Gonou’s hardening erection before moving it to Gonou’s face, tilting it up roughly so that their eyes met. “Do you remember now?” Chin Yisou asked cruelly, pressing up against Gonou’s body and grinding their hips together. “Do you remember how even after that priest stood so loyally by you how painfully—deliciously—easy it was to crush his delicate throat?” releasing Gonou’s face, Chin Yisou pressed forward, whispering into Gonou’s ear. “Tell me, when you take a life, do you feel the warmth of the soul as it passes across your skin? Does it make your blood boil? Your heart beat a little faster? Does it give you satisfaction, a thrill? Pleasure?” With one swift pull and flick of his wrist, Chin Yisou sliced through the seam of Gonou’s pants, ripping them open so that they fell to the floor around his ankles. “I don’t feel anything anymore, you know, thanks to you, Gonou. But just seeing you…” Chin Yisou shivered as his hand returned to stroke Gonou’s erection, “gives me such chills that I can almost remember the feeling of pleasure.”
Somehow, despite everything that was going on, Hakkai felt keenly ashamed in his current position-- his body truly was no longer in his control, and he looked away as soon as Chin Yisou released his face, grinding his teeth and still saying nothing. He deserved this, he supposed, he deserved punishment and humiliation and death after everything he had done, after what he had done to even Sanzo... he really was a sinner, Gonou knew, and he would take what he was given.
--Wait.  Hakkai mentally shook himself, he wasn't Cho Gonou anymore.  He was Hakkai.  His name was Hakkai.  And despite everything else, he had to hold onto that, he couldn't lose himself.  No matter what Chin Yisou did to him, he could endure it, and he could take whatever penalty he was given later, but for now, he couldn't give Chin Yisou the satisfaction of breaking him.  Hakkai, he told himself again, your name is Hakkai, and he stared pointedly at the ground, trying to ignore everything else.  
“‘Hakkai,’ is it?” Chin Yisou spat, lowering himself to his knees slowly. “The mask you’ve created for yourself, yes? The name they call you so that you can hide from what you’ve done.” Kneeling, Chin Yisou flicked his tongue lightly against Gonou’s erection, tasting the precum and opening his eyes. “Do you think changing your name gives you a right to start over? With a clean slate? Do you consider abandoning your name some sort of atonement? How pathetic.” Chin Yisou laughed, moving his hand up to Gonou’s waist to lift up his shirt and smirking at the scar that still remained. “Doesn’t this ugly deformation remind you of who you really are, Cho Gonou?” He traced the slightly raised skin with a single nail, looking up at Gonou, waiting for him to show a reaction. “I hope you haven’t forgotten how you, in your gallant hypocrisy, ruthlessly murdered Youkai until you yourself became one of us? You’re just like me, really. You’re just like my father—the man that raped and impregnated your precious sister—except that you’d convinced yourself that you had the right to keep on living. You don’t. And that’s why I clung to life. Because there are these things…these things I wanted to say to you…these things I’ve wanted for so long to do to you. Oh how I longed to see you again, Cho Gonou. There’s so much I want, and I know you’ll give it all to me, won’t you?”
It felt almost as if Chin Yisou's voice was in Hakkai's mind, and he simply couldn't block it out.  If he hadn't been bound, he would have been sorely tempted to remove his limiters and lash out-- but that was what Chin Yisou wanted, and he couldn't, he had to get control over himself.  Still, he couldn't help but flinch as he felt Chin Yisou's tongue, his hand on him; as much as he tried to stay calm, it made his throat tighten and his pulse speed up.  His body really was defying him in every way, and as hard as he tried, he was entirely under Chin Yisou's control--all but his mind.  He had to keep his thoughts clear--if he were to lose that, too, then all was certainly lost.  
In a sudden bright light and a shattering noise, the doll was no more than shards of ceramic in the grass, and Hakkai stumbled out of the fog, smiling at Gojyo, clutching his left wrist.  "Gojyo!  Thank heavens I've found you."  He hurried to Gojyo's side, looking from the pieces of doll on the ground and back up again to look into Gojyo's eyes.  "It didn't hurt you, did it?  Goodness, I'm glad you're all right."  
“Ah fuck, Hakkai, you scared the shit outta me!” Gojyo gasped, surprise and relief mingling together in a nearly overwhelming tide of emotion. “Damn,” he breathed, a grin making its way onto his face as he place a hand on Hakkai’s shoulder, confirming his existence, proving to himself it wasn’t an illusion he’d contrived in his own desperation. “You had me worried. Where’d that squinty-eyed shitface go?” Then, looking down, he noted Hakkai’s injury. “Are you all right? What’d he do to you?” Hakkai was safe. He’d escaped, somehow. The rest hardly mattered to Gojyo, and yet, some part of himself demanded that he be cautious. Something seemed off…but maybe the doll he’d been following had just fucked with his mind. This was Hakkai. He was safe. Now if they could just find Sanzo and Goku, they could get out of fucking woods.
Hakkai laughed off-handedly and shook his head.  "No, it's nothing.  I'm all right."  Smiling up at Gojyo, he leaned a little closer.  "Don't worry, I took care of him.  Did you split up with Sanzo and Goku?  We ought to find them, so that we can leave..."   He hesitated, looking away a moment, before turning back to Gojyo.  Batting his eyelashes ever so slightly, he smiled demurely, his voice soft, quiet as he spoke.  "Thank you for coming to find me, Gojyo.  You know it means a lot to me."  
Gojyo blinked, the change in Hakkai’s tone catching him off guard. “Uhh, sure thing. Are you sure you’re okay?” Was Hakkai…flirting with him? Usually if a woman did even half that much around him, Gojyo’d make sure they were in bed together that very evening. But this was Hakkai… Not that Gojyo wouldn’t want to sleep with him, but—! It just didn’t work that way. Why else did he sleep with women if not to keep the fantasies of Hakkai doing just that? Coming on to him? Shit. It was a dream come true. But it was also wrong…
Hakkai smiled.  "Really, I'm fine, Gojyo.  Don't worry about me."  Taking Gojyo's hand in his own, he held onto it, tenderly, with both hands, his expression melting into one of worry.  "Actually, I'm worried for you... how is your chest feeling?  I know you weren't fully healed... You shouldn't have had to come look for me."  He looked down a moment, guilt playing across his face, before he met Gojyo's eyes again, placing one hand on his chest, leaning a little closer.  "Is it going to be all right?  Does it need to be healed again?"
“I’m fine,” Gojyo laughed uneasily. He generally had no qualms with being close to Hakkai, in fact, he generally sought him out, seizing every opportunity he had to lean against Hakkai and just be near him. But this Hakkai was making him feel inexplicably uncomfortable. “With you back, my heart should be just fine.” Gojyo smirked winningly. A change in tactics—Hakkai was probably just teasing him, so it was safer just to play along. After all, he didn’t want Hakkai to know how he felt in all seriousness. That would destroy his image and only serve to make things between them extremely awkward…not that this was any less awkward… “But, uhh, maybe we should start looking for Sanzo and Goku?”
Hakkai looked away and nodded before turning back to Gojyo, not moving his hand.  "Yes, yes, you're right..."  He hesitated a moment, a soft blush playing across his cheeks.  "But first... let me thank you properly..."  And with that, he leaned up and pressed a kiss to Gojyo's lips.  
Gojyo’s body was well-trained. He kissed back fervidly without reservations, lifting his hands to hold Hakkai flushed cheeks gently. It was…so undeniably wrong. Gojyo knew that now. Like that Goku…this Hakkai was just…another one of Chin Yisou’s creations. Sick bastard. Fuck. And Gojyo had gone a long with it…was still going along with it! But it was…what he’d wanted for a long time. Slowly Gojyo broke the kiss, pulling away from the fake. “You’re not Hakkai, are you?” He sighed, drawing back his fist and striking the doll in the chest, knocking it to the ground.
With a single slash of his shakujou, the doll crumbled into dust, leaving only a mahjong tile that read ‘seduction’ behind. “Well fuck.” Gojyo declared. He’d played right into that trap. “God damn it!” Gojyo shouted, slicing a nearby tree in half. That Chin Yisou bastard still had the real Hakkai and he’d wasted so much time! And for what? He’d simply succumbed to his own base desires at the real Hakkai’s expense.
Chin Yisou pulled away slowly, kneeling to retrieve the necessary equipment. The phallus he’d selected for this occasion was one of his own design; sculpted from jade polished to glass-like luster, every detail of the human anatomy that it simulated had been reproduced in immaculate detail. Uncorking a small bottle, Chin Yisou dipped it into the semi-viscous liquid and drew it out slowly, returning to Gonou’s side. “I can’t be the one to make you scream, unfortunately,” Chin Yisou grunted lowly, licking his lips in anticipation. “But I do think this should suffice in bringing you to climax, yes?” When Gonou didn’t respond, Chin Yisou opened his eyes slowly, debating how best to humiliate him entirely. “But we can have a little fun before that, can’t we?” Nodding to himself, Chin Yisou closed his eyes, pressing up against Gonou so that he could feel the way his body writhed and squirmed in protest as he pushed the object against Gonou’s lips, forcing it inside his mouth.
Hakkai struggled against the object being forced into his mouth, gagging slightly and somehow managing to breathe.  The thing was really very large, and momentarily, Hakkai had difficulty breathing.  Squeezing his eyes shut, he tried not to think about it, tried not to think about how he was being invaded and most probably would continue to be invaded, but there was something on the thing, something bitter in his mouth, now, and he had no choice but to swallow it, because he was still having trouble getting air.  He knew his only option was to shut his mind off, just to not think at all until this was over, that was the only way to stay calm, and so he did his best to do that, but it was hard when Chin Yisou was shoving the thing further and he was gagging again and trying to open his throat so that he could breathe, and--
Then Hakkai opened his eyes again and was disturbed to find the world swimming slightly.  He had the sensation as if he were in motion, even though he knew he wasn't, and the feeling of Chin Yisou against him was somehow more intense, as if his skin were suddenly that much more sensitive.  It felt as if even the air was pressing against him, and before he even knew what he was doing, he was making a noise that almost, almost, sounded like a moan around the thing in his mouth, and then was keenly ashamed and squeezed his eyes closed again.  No doubt whatever the bitter taste had been was a drug, and now he was losing control again...
“Yes, yes!” Chin Yisou laughed, pressing it further into Gonou’s mouth and grinding their hips together. He could tell that the substance he’d concocted just for Gonou’s pleasure was indeed working, just as he’d anticipated. And the expression, the moan, it had been close, so very close to the face of agonized pleasure that he so longed to see. “Cho Gonou,” Chin Yisou began huskily, “Does your experience extend only so far as bedding your own sister, or have you since branched out? I’m ever so curious, Gonou, as to what you fantasize about…” Slowly he began to withdraw the object from Gonou’s mouth, and, assured his victim had ingested all of the substance, ran his tongue over the smooth surface suggestively, shivering with delight. “You, Gonou, dominate my every thought, waking, imagined, or otherwise…” Chin Yisou trailed, braking away to apply another coat to the phallus.
Hakkai moaned again and opened his throat to the best of his ability as Chin Yisou pressed harder against him, deeper inside of his mouth.  He was humiliated, he was ashamed, but his body was becoming less and less under his control as he was more and more affected by the mysterious drug... His skin felt as if it were on fire, even the slightest touch, it seemed, drew a reaction, and his vision was still swimming and blurry.  He felt his heart beating almost out of his chest, and though he wished desperately that it was for the fear, he knew otherwise.  His body ached, it needed, and he hated it, he felt betrayed, somehow, guilty, but he couldn't help but feel the want, and he bit down on his tongue, trying not to make any sound whatsoever, trying to bear it until, somehow, everything was over.  
“I can feel it in you now, that desperation. The madness and the longing, Cho Gonou, that drives people to do such unspeakable things.” Chi Yisou returned to Gonou’s side, carefully adjusting his grip on the polished stone as he pressed the head of it against Gonou’s opening teasingly. “The very feeling that compelled you to take a thousand lives just for one woman and the sick, unnatural relationship you had with her.” Chin Yisou smirked, opening his eyes ever so slightly so that he could watch Gonou’s features change as he began applying the slightest pressure, just barely forcing the dildo inside. “Your pathetic hypocrisy both disgusts and arouses me, Gonou.” Chin Yisou hissed, pulling the object from his body abruptly only to shove it back inside once again, this time with considerable force. “You never answered my question, Gonou. What new unhealthy pleasures have you discovered to fill the gap left by your precious sister?”
Hakkai couldn't help it, he let out another groan as he was suddenly filled, squeezing his eyes shut in pain.  Yet-- he couldn't deny it, no matter how disgusted he was by the fact, it felt good, and he gasped, his hands grasping at the air and forming fists as Chin Yisou brought the thing almost all the way out of him slowly, painfully slowly, before thrusting it in again, a little harder.  No matter how much he tried, he couldn't keep a coherent thought, his mind was blank, and through the hurt was still apparent, it was very quickly being overwhelmed by the waves of immense pleasure as Chin Yisou repeated the process.  His head was still spinning and he almost felt, if he weren't chained to the wall, he would collapse, and everything, every part of him was aching with need and just so sensitive that he couldn't help moan again.  
Slowly, Chin Yisou began to speed up, and Hakkai clenched his jaw and tried so hard not to think about it, not to feel it, not to like it, not to want it, but then he pushed the thing a little farther inside, and all of a sudden, Hakkai was overwhelmed with a feeling of pleasure that was just so inexplicably good that he couldn't keep his mouth shut.  He tried to bite it back, but the word escaped his lips anyway, and as his hips rocked up of their own accord, he moaned, "Gojyo..."  He couldn't control himself anymore, he couldn't think, he could barely breathe, and, entirely unaware of what he had said but ashamed for having said anything, Hakkai bit down on his lip, drawing blood to the surface but doing his best to keep, if nothing else, his voice under control.
“Oh?” Chin Yisou asked, intrigued, pausing for just a split second in his rhythmic motion. “Gojyo? Is it?” He repeated for Gonou’s benefit. He was quite certain that he had no idea what he’d said, and that made it all the more deliciously fascinating. “You know, I thought as much. Really, Gonou, you’re so easy to read…” He slammed against Gonou’s body, picking up his pace and moving his mouth once again to Gonou’s ear, biting it sharply. “From one unhealthy relationship to the next, is it? That man is your friend, isn’t he? You know he’d never feel anything for a monstrous sinner like you.” Chin Yisou whispered. “Maybe he’d sodomize you, though.” Chin Yisou murmured against Gonou’s neck. “Really, Gonou, you have such delicate effeminate features, who wouldn’t want to fuck you senseless? Who wouldn’t want to see your face as I see it now…? Twisted in the agonies of pleasure, writhing with unnatural and unwholesome desire…Such a fragile creature, so liable to break…and yet so easy to make howl like an animal. You needn’t hold it back, Gonou. I want to hear you scream.”
Hakkai was barely coherent, but he was still able to half-hear Chin Yisou.  He hadn't been paying much attention when a word caught his attention: "Gojyo."  Why was Chin Yisou talking about Gojyo?  Had he actually said Gojyo's name?  No--that was impossible!  Why- it didn't make sense!  Hakkai had control over himself more than that, had control over his own heart more than that... he had to!  True, he knew he had been feeling a little more drawn to Gojyo than usual recently, but he had known to nip it in the bud, he had stowed those unwanted feelings away never to see the light of day.  So how-- but he must have said it, and Chin Yisou must have heard it, and that was a more devastating blow than anything.  Grinding his teeth, he tried his hardest to block out the feelings, to keep a steady head and stay calm and to not want it, but the drug was playing tricks on his head and loosening his muscles and his will to fight the pleasurable feeling, and so when Chin Yisou gave a particularly sharp thrust, he couldn't help but cry out, his hips arching up to meet his hand, his mind feeling blanker by the second.  
Chin Yisou smirked against Gonou’s skin, breathing deeply of the smell of him, relishing the way he quivered so perfectly and how his body responded, in spite of Gonou’s every effort to seal himself off. No, everyone had the tiniest cracks in their defenses though which it was all too easy to slither through. And Gonou was so perfectly easy to read. For all his false faces and acts, he was like a book. One simply had to watch and learn how to make him tic. “You remember that night, don’t you, when my father raped and impregnated your beloved sister?” Chin Yisou asked. Indeed, he’d tried so hard to recreate it now…but that night was still fresh on his own mind, because after all, that was when he had become what he now was. He was certain Gonou remembered it in perfect detail, for it was when he, too, had transformed.  “A monster was created. Your stupid lover thought she could kill it, thought that by taking her own life it would die… But it didn’t.” Chin Yisou opened his eyes once more, but didn’t slow the relentless motion of his hand. “It’s in you, Gonou. It’s the creature that we created, you and I. Let me see it.” Without warning, he leaned forward against him once again, moved back to his ear and bit, pulling out one, two, all three of the delicate little clasps that restrained Gonou’s true form.
Hakkai was taken by surprise as he was suddenly forced into transformation, and he cried out sharply, overwhelmed by the combination of the pleasurable feelings he was being dealt and sensation of his ears growing, his nails sharpening, his pupil restricting.  Once the transformation had taken place, however, it seemed almost as if the pleasure got even stronger, and Hakkai had even more trouble controlling himself, keeping quiet.  It took him a few minutes to realize that now, even though his arms and legs were immobile, he had a much wider range of motion.  Hope sparked in his chest, and he tried to reach out from his feet, which were still flat on the ground.  After a moment, however, his heart fell-- he couldn't make any of his vines leave his skin, no matter how hard he tried.  Fear coursed through him and he felt helpless all over again as his mind, already inhibited by his current position, raced to figure out what was wrong.  It must have been the drug, he decided, that must have been it, and his mind was quickly fogged again by the unrelenting painful pleasure that was being dealt to him.  
Chin Yisou closed his eyes, and exhaled. “Yes, beautiful…” He hissed lowly, gently tracing the outline of a vine on Gonou’s cheek with his tongue. “I was there when you were first reborn... but to see it again, Gonou, it makes my heart race. This is the form that truly shows your monstrosity. You should be ashamed to hide it…this is your punishment for your sins, Gonou, and it is a masterpiece.”
Gojyo heard a cry, indistinct, distant, and unrecognizable, but after wandering fruitlessly in a seemingly unending forest, probably going around in circles thanks to the fog, he was quick to take off in the direction of the sound. He had to find the real Hakkai; the thoughts of the fake…the way it had felt to kiss Hakkai… They had to be suppressed quickly. And that bastard Chin Yisou, who knew what he’d done with him!? Gojyo slapped himself mentally for about the millionth time. He should have trusted himself right from the get go that that doll had been a fake. He shouldn’t have wasted so much time… But it was...he couldn’t have helped himself. The first doll had been right…it was what he wanted.
As Gojyo ran, ignoring the pain in his chest, he heard another cry, louder—definitely Hakkai. Fuck. What the hell was going on!? Then, up ahead, he spotted a cave and pushed himself even harder. He could hear his pulse pounding at his temples, like he was about to faint, but the prospect of finding Hakkai drove him forward. He had to get to him. Shakujou in hand, Gojyo burst through the mouth of the cave, blinking rapidly to adjust to the dim light. “Hakkai!” he bellowed, then, as he realized just what was going on, his breath caught in his throat and his entire body froze as he struggled to comprehend exactly what was occurring before him.
Hakkai was on the edge, now, he could feel it, and he was fighting so hard not to feel it, not to want it.  But Chin Yisou was so close to him, and his voice seemed to be everywhere, and it just felt so good that he couldn't help it, it was coming, he knew he going to come, in just a another few moments, and he didn't want to but he wanted it, and if he got it, then this would all be over, and with that justification, he rocked his hip forward to meet Chin Yisou's thrusts, and he was almost there...
And then, all of a sudden, he heard his name, his real name being called out and it was Gojyo's voice, and that pushed him over the edge.  His entire body tensing, he couldn't help it, he cried out and came, grasping at nothing and squeezing his eyes shut.  It was terrible, he knew it was terrible, and he felt so vulgar, so humiliated, but he couldn't help it, it felt so </i>good</i>...
Chin Yisou laughed cruelly, having achieved his prize. Beautiful, just beautiful. And the red haired man, he’d played along perfectly. He’d come just in time to see the extent of Gonou’s perversion, to see just how easy it was to break such a fragile creature. And Gonou heard him—he would know that his friend had seen everything. “Ahh, look, Gonou, it’s the latest victim of your affections. But having just seen that, I doubt he’ll want anything to do with you, yes?” Chin Yisou whispered, taking advantage of their audience’s stunned silence. Then, slowly, tearing his gaze away from Gonou’s face, still gasping to catch his breath, still struggling to get control, Chin Yisou turned to face the red haired man and carefully withdrew the phallus, extending his arm toward the other man. “How rude of me not to offer sooner. I’m sure you’d like a try, yes? He’s so very responsive, it’s delightful.”
“You’re fucking sick.” Gojyo tensed, clenching his jaw and swinging his shakujou around over his head and lunging forward. This time, he didn’t miss. The half-moon blade lashed out, sinking into Chin Yisou’s neck, decapitating the sicko in a spray of blood. No sooner had the body fallen to the ground than was Gojyo at Hakkai’s side, panicking. “Shit,” he gasped, “hold on Hakkai!” He swung the blade around as hard as he could, striking at the metal cuffs that bound Hakkai. Luckily, they were rusted and weak, and shattered after just a few strikes. With the restraints severed, Hakkai fell limply into Gojyo’s arms and he eased him gently to the floor, feeling around on the ground for the limiters, still in shock. “H-Hakkai…” Gojyo shivered, pulling him carefully into his arms. “Shit Hakkai…I’m so sorry I didn’t get here sooner.” Gojyo’s heart was pounding in his chest, enraged, distressed, and still injured. He was certain he was crying now, but he couldn’t spare even an instant of thought for himself. He had to take care of Hakkai.
Hakkai's mind was reeling, and it took him a moment to fully register what had just happened—Chin Yisou was dead, and Gojyo was here.  But Gojyo... Gojyo had seen everything, then, Gojyo had seen him lose control, and the hot feeling of humiliation enveloped him again, clenching in his stomach, burning in his heart.  He wanted to say something, he wanted to do something, he needed, so badly, someplace, some way to hide, something to protect himself with, but the world was still spinning and all of his muscles felt so limp, and so all he could do was lay there, like some broken rag doll, letting Gojyo take care of him.  
Looking up at Gojyo as he struggled, still, to catch him breath, to get some shred of control over himself, he realized the Gojyo was crying, and that knowledge was almost too much.  Gojyo had been worried about him.  Here he was, sick and disgusting, a monster, having killed Sanzo, having gotten off on the thought of Gojyo, and now here he was, saving him, taking care of him.  He really was a worthless, despicable creature, and the guilt was suddenly crushing him.  He tried to sit up, but his head spun and it seemed like the cave was swirling around them, so he dropped back down and squeezed his eyes shut, tilting his head away.  He couldn't bear to look Gojyo in the eye, not now, not after everything.  "Gojyo..." he managed, his voice weak, shaking, "...I'm sorry..."  He knew a simply apology didn't cut it, couldn't make up for everything, but for now, it was all he had.
“Damn it,” Gojyo laughed pathetically, still crying. “Don’t—you don’t have to say that.” It was just like Hakkai to apologize for something like this, even though absolutly nothing that had happened was his fault. It killed Gojyo to see Hakkai like suffering. The sick bastard had really fucked him up, of that Gojyo was sure, and he was terrified. “Here,” Gojyo swallowed as his finger at last brushed against the last of Hakkai’s ear cuffs. “I found them all…” He shifted Hakkai in his arms, not wanting to let him go, ever, so that he could replace them one by one on Hakkai’s ear. He felt Hakkai begin to transform in his arms and pulled him all the closer, hanging his head and pressing his face softly into Hakkai’s hair. “Are you…are you hurt…?” It was a dumb question. He sniffed and tried again. “Hakkai…what do you need me to do…what can I do to help you?”
Hakkai shook his head, trembling as he tried to sit up, to push away from Gojyo.  "I'm--" his voice cracked, and, kicking himself internally, he tried again.  "I'm fine..."  Holding onto the wall of the cave for support, he pulled himself to his feet, but the world was still rocking back and forth around him like a boat at sea and seemed to be going around in a circle, as well, and he was suddenly very aware of how weak his muscles felt, of the pain and the blood now trickling down the inside of his legs, of the raw bruises forming around his wrists and ankles, and suddenly, his knees were giving out and he was on the ground again.  Beating himself harder, he looked pointedly away from Gojyo, trying again.  "I can stand... I'm really fine..."  It was a struggle, but he made it to his feet again, and balanced himself, though he had a sinking feeling that any step he tried to take would land him on the ground once again.  
But one thing was for certain, he couldn't let Gojyo help him, touch him.  He was disgusting, a monstrosity, for so many reasons, and there was no way he would allow himself to be helped by Gojyo, not after what he had done, not after how he had thought about Gojyo, how he had-- It made him feel sick, to know how disgusting he really was, and after what he had done to Sanzo, too-- Taking a stumbling step forward and clutching at the wall as he almost collapsed again, he swallowed and tried to speak again.  "How is-- how is Goku...?"  He choked on his words and almost was sick at the thought of what he had done; only now, now that he wasn't facing imminent torture and possibly death was it fully sinking in.
Gojyo scrambled to his feet and carefully slipped an arm around Hakkai’s waist to support him. Maybe he didn’t want the help, maybe he didn’t think he needed it, but Gojyo wasn’t willing to stand by and watch him struggle. “Goku’s fine,” Gojyo answered quickly, concerned that Hakkai seemed more worried about the monkey than himself. “He’s with Sanzo now. They were looking for you…we should try and find them.” Gojyo swallowed, wishing that Hakkai would look at him again. Did he feel…ashamed? “Hakkai…you…you’re bleeding. Let me carry you.” He didn’t wait for permission to scoop Hakkai into his arms. His strength hadn’t yet recovered, but Hakkai was in much worse shape than him, and his drive to help Hakkai would pull him through. Gojyo could do anything for Hakkai.
Hakkai struggled against Gojyo's arms, but he barely had the energy, and when Gojyo didn't let go, he gave up, feeling even more ashamed and guilty than before.  However, when Gojyo mentioned Sanzo, Hakkai gasped slightly and looked up at him.  "He's with Sanzo--?  That means--?"  He hadn't murdered Sanzo--Sanzo was alive?  Hakkai was overjoyed, but at the same time, all the more ashamed; he had let Chin Yisou manipulate him despite how much he had been trying to keep control over his mind.  It was just another thing to add to the long list, and though he was really extremely relieved that he hadn't killed Sanzo, he was still burdened with guilt.  After everything that had happened, after what he had done... he really just wanted to be alone, to curl up in a corner and die.  Sanzo and Goku and especially Gojyo... they'd be better off without him.  He was a sinner and a sick, disgusting monster, and right now, he hated himself more than ever.  He didn't want Sanzo and Goku to even see him, not ever again, and certainly not like this... Looking pointedly at the ground as Gojyo began to carry him away, he murmured, almost inaudibly, "Gojyo... I'm indecent..."  
“We’ll get to Jeep first...” Gojyo said adamantly. He was desperate to get away from the body, get Hakkai away from that damn cave as fast as possible. And he needed medical attention… Gojyo refused to let him just brush this off. He would help him, whatever he had to do, no matter what Hakkai said. “You can get changed and cleaned up… I can drive if you need me too.” Gojyo took a shaky breath, not wanting to cry again, but unsure if he’d be able to hold it back. It was just…seeing Hakkai like that… “I’m just—Hakkai—I…I just wish I got there sooner…I’m sorry…that…that fucker. Damn it Hakkai. I’m sorry.”
Hearing Gojyo appologize for what had happened was sickening, and Hakkai felt nauseated again.  "No... Gojyo..." he started, and his voice sounded hoarse, so he swallowed and tried again.  "No, I'm sorry..."  Suddenly feeling adamant, he struggled again.  "I'm sure the drug's wearing off by now, I'm sure I can stand..."  But Gojyo's arms were so strong and he was definitely still feeling weak... But he couldn't let Gojyo take care of him, he just couldn't, not after what he had done, not after everything.  "I'm fine... I'll drive... I don't want to slow everyone down... I don't need anything, I'm really fine."  That was the best way; he couldn't let everyone dwell on how disgusting he was, on the terrible, humiliating things he had done... he would deal with that on his own, somehow, but for now, he just had to pretend like everything was fine, he couldn't be a burden on everyone else, he couldn't slow them down... he was guilty enough already.  
“Hakkai. I can carry you.” Gojyo said firmly. “You’re not going to slow anyone down…” Gojyo bit his lip and looked down at Hakkai again, once again wishing Hakkai would look at him, even just for a second. Fuck Sanzo. If he was in too much of a hurry, than hell, Gojyo would way rather stay with Hakkai, anyway. He didn’t care, as long as Hakkai recovered. “It’s important that you get better, so don’t worry about it.” Then, going over what Hakkai had said, Gojyo swallowed, almost afraid to ask. He didn’t want to force Hakkai to recount any details if he didn’t want to…but… “The drug? He drugged you too? Shit, do you know what it was?”
"No, I'm sorry, Gojyo, I don't think he said..."  There, that was easy and polite and Hakkai even managed a smile to go with it, looking back up in Gojyo's general direction but still not meeting his eyes.  "It was a liquid, and he gave it to me both orally and..."  Shouldn't have gone there... but his smile wasn't faltering and suddenly he felt much safer, behind a smile and polite words and a happy face, he felt protected, like he had somewhere to hide.  "But really, Gojyo, it's unnecessary.  I'm fine.  I'll drive, and I don't need anything special.  Sanzo will want to be on the road again, and there's really no need to wait."  That was almost normal, and it felt better to be guarded again.  It was really disgraceful how much time he had caused them to waste, ever since Chin Yisou had trapped them in the fog, and Gojyo had been injured... shit, that was right, Gojyo had been injured.  
"Gojyo," he started again, "Please.  Put me down.  You're injured worse than I am, and I can walk perfectly fine.  When we get back to Jeep, let me look at your wound first thing... you shouldn't have been running around in that condition."  The guilt gnawed at his heart again, and he looked away for a moment as his smile faltered.  On top of everything else, he had probably worsened Gojyo's injury... he really was a disgusting monster...
“Damn it Hakkai!” Gojyo said loudly, a lot more harshly than he’d meant. It was just…seeing Hakkai put up a smile at a time like this… Hakkai shouldn’t be worrying about him! And he shouldn’t have to force himself to act… “It’s okay to worry about yourself for a minute. Please, I don’t want you to push yourself…you don’t have to fake it…” In spite of his efforts, Gojyo was crying again. He really wasn’t doing anything to help Hakkai at all, was he? He shouldn’t have shouted but it…it just hurt him so much to see what Hakkai was doing to himself, and Gojyo didn’t know how else to handle it.
Hakkai was startled by Gojyo's outburst, and quieted, looking away again.  Gojyo seemed to care about him so much... but, he knew, Chin Yisou really had been right, if Gojyo knew what he had done, he would be disgusted, too... just as disgusted as he was with himself.  Just the thought of it churned in his stomach, and he suddenly wished he could just get away from Gojyo, forever.  The thought of staying together with him, of being in the same car, the same room as him, touching him was too much to bear, and though he knew he'd have to bear it with a smile, he just wanted more than anything to be away.  After what he'd done, after what had happened... he couldn't be around Gojyo anymore, he was too much of a monstrosity, too sick.  But for now, he knew he couldn't get away, and so he quietly brooded, not wanting to provoke another outburst, not wanting to hurt Gojyo any further.  
Tags: bl, saiyuki

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