Title: Mukahi Gakuto's 10 Easy Steps to Getting Laid
Disclaimer: In Soviet Russia, Konomi is TeniPuri's.
Warnings: BL, language, much talk of sex
Author's Note: This is a side story to the Dirty Trio arc I've been writing. A lot of people commented that they wanted to see Ootori learn to seduce, so I went ahead and wrote it. XD;;; This is really meant to be silly, don't take it too seriously. XD;
"But Mukahi-sempai," Ootori protests when Gakuto explains that this is a vital step towards getting laid, "It's-- We're already dating, and... well, I never flirted with Shishido-san before, and there hasn't been any problems, so--"
"Nonsense!" Gakuto cuts him off, waving his hand dismissively. "Don't you want your big, strong Shishido-san to sweep you off your feet and make passionate love to you until the light of dawn? Trust me, you do, I've done it before." He takes on an instructional air; after all, Ootori is counting on his wise teachings! "For your seduction to work, you have to set the stage. Otherwise, it's like trying to play before warming up... it just doesn't work out well for anyone. So you gotta bat your eyelashes and giggle and play coy for a while, just to get his attention piqued. Otherwise, you'll startle him and he won't get it. And believe me, Ryou startles easily. Understand?"
"I-- I understand, Mukahi-sempai..." Ootori trails, though he still looks nervous. Gakuto only later finds out, peering into the next room where Ryou and Ootori are alone, that this must be because Ootori is shit at playing coy. He just looks terrified, Gakuto is tempted to come in and show him how it's done when Ryou is suddenly asking if everything's all right and then pulling Ootori close and then kissing him, and Gakuto figures that it's by some miracle that Ootori's inability has worked for him this time. But one can't always rely on dumb luck, and Gakuto sneaks away to give them some privacy and to plan the next day's lesson plan.
"You want me to what?!" Ootori's face is bright red and his hands are pressed tightly against his mouth, and Gakuto wonders what the big deal is.
"You gotta show him what you got. God, you're acting like I told you to put on a strip tease or something. It's really not that big of a deal. I do it all the time." He rolls his eyes. "Come on, Ootori, if you wanna get laid, you gotta put the effort into it!"
Ootori eyes him nervously. "But... but Mukahi-sempai... won't Shishido-san be suspicious if I start going shirtless around him all the time?"
"You can't always do the same thing," Gakuto corrects exasperatedly. "And it doesn't always have to be that blatant. You just gotta give him a little glimpse of what he's missing out on. You know, wear tight pants sometimes, or short shorts. Make sure you bend over lots in front of him if you do that, too."
Ootori turns positively scarlet. "But... but wouldn't I look terrible in short shorts? I have such long legs, and--"
"And you've gotta show 'em off!" Gakuto insists-- honestly, Ootori asked for his advice, why is he being so difficult?! "Look, you gotta trust me on this. It's been tested a dozen times. You can ask Yuushi."
Ootori looks horrified at this prospect, but finally agrees. Gakuto is pleased with himself until the next Monday, when Ootori comes crying to him that Shishido-san won't even look his way anymore. Stupid Ryou. Why isn't he as shameless as Yuushi? It'd certainly make this a hell of a lot easier, but Gakuto only comforts Ootori and wordlessly tries to come up with a new plan of action.
3. Utilize doubles
"But... Mukahi-sempai... that's not how we play," Ootori attempts to explain weakly
"You've gotta play at the net," Gakuto insists.
"But..." Ootori tries again, "But I don't play at the net."
"Listen." Gakuto tries to make it plain and simple for him. "Listen, you gotta play at the net so that he can look at you! Why do you think fucking Golden Pair plays Australian Formation all the time? So that Kikumaru's fucking boytoy can stare at his ass! So you gotta do that, too... it's really simple. Just make sure you stay in front of him and bend over just so, and that's all you've gotta do. I'm sure you can handle it."
"But..." Ootori protests, and Gakuto raises an eyebrow. Ootori shrinks slightly, but continues, "But shouldn't I concentrate on tennis during practice and then worry about Shishido-san afterwards?"
"You should always think about sex. Keep your eyes on the prize," Gakuto replies matter-of-factly. "How do you think I have such a great sex life?"
Ootori colours again and looks away. "If... if you say so, Mukahi-sempai."
Afterwards, Gakuto admits the results could have been better. Kantoku did get a bit irked when Hyoutei's first doubles kept dropping service games to non-Regulars, and they did end up having to stay an hour and a half late after practice and run ten laps, but, Gakuto points out, Ootori has to look on the bright side. "Ryou couldn't take his eyes off of you, could he?" he reminds with a knowing smirk. Ootori, sweaty and panting after everything, does not respond. Ungrateful brat.
4. Plan ahead
"Why are you asking me this?" Ootori eyes Gakuto suspiciously, and Gakuto rolls his eyes.
"I need to know when you're free so that we can pick a date!"
"A date for what?" Ootori seemed confused beyond words. Really, this boy was just so naive, Gakuto wasn't sure how he'd managed to snag himself a boyfriend in the first place.
"The day when you're going to have sex, of course! So, when are you free?"
"...Sunday..." Ootori does not seem happy to be relinquishing this information, which makes Gakuto feel all the better for getting it out of him. It's for his own good, after all!
"Good. Mark your calendar, then. You're a good boy and make all your deadlines, don't you? So now you know when to plan for. Draw a big pink circle and write Ryou's name in girly hiragana with hearts around it and draw condoms on the calendar or something."
Gakuto couldn't help but snicker at the resounding scandalized cry of "Mukahi-sempai!" Okay, sometimes he does take pleasure in watching his kouhai squirm. However, it backfires when Ryou apparently sees said calendar and inquires about said calendar markings. Gakuto doesn't know how to even respond to Ootori's distress; he's too busy being in awe that Ootori has actually followed his instructions to a t and then left that calendar where Ryou could see it.
5. Drop subtle hints
"Mukahi-sempai!" Ootori squeals, "I am not saying that!"
"You're so fussy!" Gakuto replies exasperatedly. "Honestly, you should hear some of the things Yuushi says to me in bed--"
"That's all right!!" Ootori responses entirely too quickly, and Gakuto shakes his head. "Look how hard is it? You're only being honest, aren't you? How hard is it to say 'I've got nothing planned for this Sunday and I'm so lonely," honestly? Subtle hints are everything when it comes to seduction."
"Mukahi-sempai..." Ootori tries weakly, "That's not subtle."
"Excuses, excuses," Gakuto shoots back. He follows Ootori after practice that day to see whether or not he actually says it, and finds himself exasperated when, after Ootori had the courage to go through with it, Ryou suggests that they go to the street courts together.
6. Be prepared
"Flavoured what?!" Ootori is aghast.
"Flavoured condoms. They're probably a good idea if you're planning on giving blowjobs or anything. If you're planning on using condoms at all. Are you planning on using condoms?" Gakuto speaks as if it were an everyday matter, because to him, it is.
Ootori is all red, as he often is during these instructional meetings. Honestly, you'd think Gakuto was forcing this on him or something. He was the one who came to ask for Gakuto's help! So why's he always all embarrassed and stuttering? "I... I don't know," he responds, pointedly looking at the floor to the left of his feet.
"Well," Gakuto says slowly, trying to be patient. "Last time I checked, Ryou doesn't have herpes or anything, and last time I checked, you weren't going to get knocked up, so it's really up to you. But regardless, once you decide, you gotta make sure you have everything ready... lube, condoms, whatever the fuck else you wanna have. So you gotta go buy 'em now, because it would suck ass to be there and then not have any. Understand?" It seems like this should all be very straightforward, but Ootori, he thinks to himself, is pretty thick and needs everything spelled out for him.
"I... I guess," Ootori replies, still red in the face. "I... I have to go buy them myself...?"
"Well, you sure as hell can't borrow mine," Gakuto snaps back, and Ootori finally seems to give in and assent. After all, the boy has to learn to do things for himself! If he's too embarrassed to go buy condoms from a convenience store, he'll never get anywhere in life (or, at least, in bed). It'll be good for him, Gakuto thinks. Builds character and all that shit.
However, when Ootori tearfully reports that, as he was making his purchase, Ryou happened to walk into the convenience store, Gakuto is pretty sure some god somewhere is trying to make this difficult for him.
7. Practice makes perfect
"No-- I won't!" Ootori insists, eyes wide and watery, fists balled. "I can't do that! That's... that's just not right!"
Gakuto raises an eyebrow, not seeing what the big deal is. "Look, I'd offer, but it wouldn't work, because I'm on the bottom, too. Honestly, I don't see what the big deal is. Why're you so grossed out by Yuushi?"
"I'm... it's not that I'm disgusted by him," Ootori attempts to explain, glancing nervously at Yuushi, who is currently lounging against the wall behind Gakuto looking disinterested. "I just... I can't kiss him! That would be cheating, and... and I'd never cheat on Shishido-san!" He looks absolutely distraught, and Gakuto sighs in exasperation.
"It's not cheating if you don't mean it," he explains as if he were speaking to a five-year-old. "It's not like you got bored with Ryou and decided to go make out with random people. You're practicing so that it'll be better for him in the long run." Ootori does not look convinced, however, and so Gakuto glances back at Yuushi. "Come on, help me out here, Yuushi! He just doesn't get it."
Yuushi pushes away from the wall lazily and shrugs. "I still don't see what's in it for me. I don't have any particular interest in kissing Ootori-kun, either.
Ootori's eyes lit up, and Gakuto let out a growl of exasperation. "Yuushi, you're so not helping! You're such a jerk sometimes... you're totally not getting any tonight!"
Yuushi snorts at that and grabs Gakuto's ass before sauntering off, and Gakuto, with an aggravated sigh, is forced to give up. Ootori seems disproportionately pleased, but at least, this time, it really isn't his fault.
8. Dress to impress
"Do I want to what?" Somehow, Ootori seems to never tire of being scandalized.
"I know it's a tough call," Gakuto replies with a sigh, "But you gotta pick. You wanna knock him off his feet with your stunning good looks or let him know that you want it and dress for easy access?"
"Easy access?!" Ootori gasps the words like they're some kind of curse.
Gakuto shrugs. "Sure. You know, like leggings and a button up shirt. It'd still look good, of course, but we both know that Ryou isn't the most patient person in the world and I have had the unfortunate experience of ripped seams before... and let's face it, Yuushi's got a lot more patience than Ryou, hands down." He waves his hand dismissively and looks at Ootori expectantly. "Well?"
"What's... what's the other choice, then?" Ootori asks meekly, looking as if he might pass out.
Gakuto grins wickedly. "Instead of blatantly letting him know you want it, you can entice him by looking drop-dead gorgeous," he explains in a way that Ootori can understand, a way that sounds much more harmless than it actually is. What Gakuto doesn't tell Ootori is that he's nicked Atobe's tight leather pants from last year (Atobe won't notice them missing) and one of Yuushi's tight-fitting button up shirts that look like they belong on the cover of cheap romance novels. He's sure Ootori will look stunning in them, once he stops struggling.
"I... I guess I'll go with that one, then," Ootori responds predictably. And, predictably, he does struggle a bit when Gakuto forces him to try the clothes on, but he does look pretty hot, once Gakuto's got it all done up on him. "Heck, I might even let you fuck me, with you all dressed up like that," Gakuto tries to offer encouragingly, but it backfires, and Ootori actually does pass out.
9. Play it up
"Won't... won't that be kind of awkward?" Ootori asks pathetically, and Gakuto huffs a sigh, shaking his head.
"No, you gotta do it subtly," he explains patronizingly. "Like, say you're gonna sit down on your bed. Instead of just plopping down or whatever, think about how you're gonna look. Sit so that you look alluring to him. It works really well when I sit with my knees pressed together and my calves spread apart and my hands on my thighs, all cute-like." Gakuto half-demonstrates, as well as one can while standing. "But I dunno what sorta thing Ryou digs, so you oughta practice beforehand, and stuff. The best times to post are when you're like, leaning or sitting or something, so just think about that."
"But... but I'm not even attractive. Not like you, Mukahi-sempai..." Ootori looks positively pathetic, and Gakuto sighs again, this time a little more softly.
"Obviously, Ryou doesn't agree. And, hey, you may not be my type, but I can see where he's coming from." Ootori's eyes are big and watery, and Gakuto is moved, just a little, despite himself. "Look, I'm going to go get a soda. You sit here and practice, and then when I get back you can show me what you've come up with. Okay?"
Ootori agrees and finally gives him a smile, and so Gakuto heads out of Ootori's room and up the hall and down the stairs to the vending machines. In the stairwell, he runs into Ryou, but doesn't think much of it, because Ryou lives in this dorm too, and so he passes with a wave. At the vending machines, it takes him a few minutes to decide on strawberry Ponta, and then the machine eats one of his hundred-yen pieces, which results in him swearing at the machine and kicking it a few times, which does not result in him getting his money back. He ends up giving up and putting a hundred more yen in to get his drink before finally trekking back upstairs to see how Ootori is doing.
When he's almost to Ootori's door, he hears a few suspicious sounds and then a "Shishido-san!" yelled rather loudly, and, blinking to himself in surprise, he turns to go, because that seems to be answer enough.
10. Do not kiss and tell
"I'm sorry, Mukahi-sempai," Ootori insists, and the kid looks almost smug. Gakuto wants to smack him.
"Come on! You wouldn't have ever gotten this far if it wasn't for me! You gotta tell me how it went!" he whines, jumping up and down slightly.
"I do not kiss and tell," Ootori chirps, and the brat is definitely enjoying this! Bastard. "That's what you told me to do, isn't it, Mukahi-sempai?"
"I told you that so that you wouldn't go starting rumours about yourself! Not so that you'd keep the juicy bits from me!" Gakuto practically growled. "Come on, Ootori, this isn't fair! After I helped you this whole time!"
"...Actually, Mukahi-sempai, if it makes you feel any better... I didn't really use much of your advice, anyway."
Gakuto slams the door on his way out of Ootori's room and decides that he's never helping anyone ever again.