Title: All or Nothing
Disclaimer: Panic Age belongs to *pnish*
Pairings: Moriyama Eiji/Sano Jay, Moriyama Eiji→Sano Daiki, Sano Daiki→Moriyama Eiji, hinted Tuti/Nagayan
Warnings: Everything ever. Brief semi-graphic m/m sex, tons of angst, age difference, mind-fuckery, language... you name it, it's in here. XD;
Author's Note: Yet a third part in the series, following Hate and Between the Cracks. This is not a happy one... here's to hoping I actually get off my ass and write the final part to the series so we can have a semi-happy ending. XD;;; But for now... enjoy the angst?
Moriyama Eiji loved Jay.
Of this Jay was absolutely positive, because even though he seemed rather more cautious than Jay's own blatant disregard for discretion, he made up for it in other ways. It might have seemed like he was reluctant when he kept his distance at dinners or didn't return Jay's calls or ushered Jay out of his apartment hours before Jay's father was due to arrive, but it was obvious that he simply didn't want to get caught. And Jay himself, too, knew that if they got caught, certainly, they'd be separated, but he couldn't bring himself to let even one opportunity slide by when he never, ever got to see enough of Moriyama. And how much harm could it do to stand off to the side of the room and draw Moriyama's attention away from his conversation with Jay's father by sucking on his lollipop just so, how bad could it be to leave the top two or three buttons of his shirt undone and play with his collar just to catch Moriyama's eye? Certainly, it was a bit of a gamble, but really, anymore, it was all or nothing, and to be with Moriyama, to Jay, the risk was worth it.
Because Moriyama definitely loved Jay, and every time he proved it, Jay knew that he couldn't survive without being together the way they were now. When he would receive messages from Moriyama just as his father was arriving home from an outing telling him how much Moriama needed him, when, more often then not, he was invited into Moriyama's apartment only to be pressed against the back of the door and kissed senseless... how could he not want to risk everything for this man? And when Moriyama had Jay braced with his face pressed up against the wall and his back arched and his legs spread, three fingers inside of him and with Jay already biting down on his own fingers so hard to keep from making noise and could have so easily just had him right then and there but instead flipped him around and kissed him before pressing inside of him with the explanation I want to see your face... how could Jay not be in love?
And so they went on like that for months, with Jay playing high risk high return and Moriyama playing along without Jay's father ever suspecting anything was wrong. Sure, it was stressful and hectic at times, but Jay didn't care, because to be with Moriyama, it was worth it. Moriyama was the most important person, most important anything in his life, Moriyama was the centre of his universe, the be all and end all. Moriyama was absolutely everything to Jay, and Jay was willing to give anything, to do anything to be with him.
So it was understandable that when, one day, Moriyama announced with no warning at all that they were over, Jay was distraught. How could he not be? Moriyama was the love of his life, and he simply couldn't understand what could be wrong. There had been no reason, no warning-- everything had been fine, and Jay had come over to Moriyama's apartment after one of Moriyama's outings with Jay's father as per usual, but from there, everything went wrong. Moriyama said he wanted to break up-- thought it was for the best, he said-- the best for who?! Jay was on him in an instant, fear clutching at his throat and anger pumping through his veins as he grabbed Moriyama's arm and demanded why, why? Moriyama refused to meet his eyes, though, as he replied that it was best for both of them, and that keeping secrets wasn't any way for him to treat Jay's father after everything Moriyama had already done to him, and at that, Jay nearly burst. Pulse racing, he grabbed at Moriyama's shirt, practically hysterical as he shouted back that then they'd tell Jay's father, consequences be damned, because Jay didn't care anymore, didn't care about anything, he only wanted to be with Moriyama.
It was at that point that Moriyama had the gall to laugh wryly, as if this were all no big deal, as if breaking up with Jay was something he had to do and he'd be eager to do anything just for Jay's father's sake, and it was too much. Jay had to prove that he loved Moriyama more than anything, more than anyone, and so he pulled him forward by his collar and kissed him with everything he had.
And that was the moment Jay's father chose to walk to in the door.
Sano Daiki loved Moriyama Eiji.
He didn't want to, really-- or he did, but he knew that it was absolutely the most stupid thing he could do. He couldn't make the same mistake twice, he couldn't let his heart be broken again, not when it had absolutely ruined him before. And so he tried to keep his guard up, those first few times, tried to harden his shell, and after years of suffering, his survival instincts were good enough that it worked. Seeing Eiji again, talking to him, being around him-- it was hard to bear after years of tears and pain and cultivated hatred, and though he wanted to give it a chance, wanted to try and fix what had been broken, just seeing Eiji smile at him was enough to make his stomach flipflop and his heart burn at the memory of what they had and what Eiji had thrown away.
But as time went on, despite everything Daiki knew and wanted, things began to change. Being with Eiji again began to become more normal, their interaction became more natural. He still knew better than to accept when Eiji invited him back to his apartment, he still knew better than to go weak in the knees when Eiji put a hand on his shoulder or leaned in close, but whether he liked it or not, he was beginning to relax into being around Eiji. And once his guards were weakened, it all came rushing back, all the reasons that he had fallen in love with Eiji the first time began to affect him again, and it became more and more of a struggle to turn him down. Eiji had really been the only one, the love of Daiki's life, and looking back at photos of the two of them together, at old *pnish* flyers and backstage videos, at everything they used to have together... Daiki wanted it, he wanted it so badly.
He couldn't, he shouldn't, but after his defenses had fallen away and all that was left exposed was his heart, fragile but still as much in love as it had been twenty years ago, it was only a matter of time before his will gave out. And it was already slipping, little by little; he was agreeing to more dinners, more time in Eiji's apartment, more time alone, just the two of them. And really, despite knowing he shouldn't, he couldn't help but feel a little bit like this time things might go right, this time they really might pull things together.
And then, one day, he walked into Eiji's apartment to find Eiji kissing his seventeen year old son.
The fallout was spectacular, was outstanding, was so much that it was almost surreal to Jay, but when his father tried to bodily drag him from Moriyama's apartment, Jay would have none of that. It was ridiculous as it was for his father to try to tell him who he could and couldn't see, but to force him away from the one person in the world he truly loved-- Jay simply would not allow it. But Moriyama didn't want him to stay either, and so, without anywhere to turn, confused and feeling more acutely alone than he could remember ever feeling before, Jay somehow found himself at Ichiban's apartment.
Takashi-san was the one who answered the door when he arrived, something for which Jay was grateful, in retrospect. Tsuchiya-san was nice and all, but he could be nosy, and Ichiban wouldn't have understood. But Takashi-san didn't ask any questions, simply let him in and sat him down at the kitchen table and handed him a mug of tea, telling him to call if he needed anything.
Jay needed something, certainly, but there wasn't much in the world that could fix what had just happened, and the gravity of the situation was just beginning to sink in. When Moriyama had first come back, he had been prepared to do anything if his father had barred him from seeing him, but that was months and months and kisses and promises ago, and even then, Jay's father hadn't known the extent of their relationship. Now... now it was almost certain that he'd do anything to keep Jay from Moriyama, and Jay couldn't stand it, he simply couldn't. Before Moriyama, when he had been completely alone in the world, he had known nothing better, but now, now that he had had true love and had it torn away from him, how was he supposed to get by?
It was all his father's fault, everything was, he realized, in the end. His father had never been able to get over Moriyama, his father had forced him into a life of loneliness and depression and hatred, and now his father was trying to take away the one thing that made him happy. It was unacceptable; how had he ended up with such a hateful father who obviously cared so little for his son? At his angriest, he planned never to return again, but his emotions, it seemed, were ebbing and flowing with the passing hours, and it wasn't long before he was crying into his tea and feeling like life was absolutely worthless anymore, completely devoid of hope.
In the end, he let Takashi-san set him up on the couch for the night and fell asleep wallowing in his own self pity. The next morning, the prospects looked less dramatic but exactly as bleak, and after spending a miserable day at school, he realized that short of living off of the Tsuchiyas' couch for the rest of his life, he had no choice but to return home.
Luckily, Jay's father was not home when he arrived, the only evidence that he had, indeed, been here relatively recently being the wide array of empty bottles and cans strewn about the floor of the apartment. It was for the better, because neither did Jay want to see him nor know what to say to him, and so he simply shut himself up in his room and wished desperately and hopelessly that his gambles went as well as his card tricks.
More than anything else, Daiki couldn't believe he didn't notice. In the whirlwind of emotions that surrounded his initial discovery, Jay's flight, and his own departure from Eiji's apartment, all he could think was how did I miss this, how did I miss this?! because how did he? In hindsight, now, it seemed so obvious; Jay's constant desire to have Eiji over, the way Jay had been spending more and more time away from home, how Jay was constantly emailing or calling a mysterious someone whose identity Daiki considered asking once or twice. But he hadn't asked, just as he hadn't ever stepped in where he should have in Jay's life, and now Jay was gone god only knew where and Eiji had taken advantage of him, and how could Daiki have been so fucking stupid?
Even once he made it home, he couldn't even begin to comprehend, didn't want to comprehend how the man he was falling back into love with had been, all along, having some illicit affair with-- using-- his seventeen year old son. It was beyond infidelity, it was beyond lying, this was sick, this was disgusting, and the more Daiki thought about it, the more it turned his stomach until he found himself doubled over and retching his guts out at the thought of his former lover and his own teenage son.
After that, he had hit the liquor cabinet without giving it a second thought; more than anything, right now, the easiest course of action seemed to be forgetting-- forgetting his own feelings for Eiji, forgetting what Eiji had done, forgetting how horrible of a father he had been to Jay. But no number of bottles of beer could wash away the feeling of absolute betrayal that was still knotting in the pit of his stomach, no number of shots could wipe away the memory so vivid in his brain of Eiji with his lips pressed to Jay's, to Daiki's own son's, but even after he was sick for a second time, he couldn't help but try until he fell asleep with his face pressed into the kitchen table and empty bottles strewn around him the way it had been before Eiji returned and the dog whimpering at his feet.
When he awoke the next morning, despite the throbbing in his head and the way the apartment was tipping back and forth as if it were on a boat, Daiki forced himself to his feet to search desperately for Jay only to find him still absent. It was only then that he disintegrated into tears, leaning against the wall in Jay's bedroom and clutching his head as if he could somehow comfort himself. But even in his misery, somehow, the tears turned to anger inwardly, because Eiji had been the one to make Daiki depressed enough to ignore his own son for seventeen years and now Eiji had gone and ruined Jay, too, and Daiki simply could not take it.
Afterwards, he didn't remember almost any of it-- by the time he got to Eiji's apartment, he was in such a rage that his mental functioning had practically ceased altogether. He was fairly certain that he didn't do any physical harm to Eiji besides shoving him upon his initial arrival, but couldn't remember very thoroughly what he said, only, over and over again, he could still hear himself shrieking He's fucking seventeen, you're sick, he's only fucking seventeen...
By the time he came back to himself, he must have slapped Eiji, too, because there was a flushed mark on his face and and Eiji had a hand over it in shock. Daiki wouldn't have regretted it if Eiji hadn't looked quite so guilty and regretful, if he hadn't gone and said It was because he reminded me of you, Daiki-chan, but then it all came flooding back, all the nights they'd spent together in their twenties, all the plays they'd planned and the places they'd gone, and it was as if the gaping hole in Daiki's heart from when Eiji had left the first time was ripped open completely, because he suddenly couldn't stay anymore, and so, like a deer in the headlights, frightened suddenly by his own vulnerability, he fled.
When he arrived home, Jay's door was shut and locked, and Daiki wasn't sure whether to be overjoyed that Jay was home or terrified of how what little relationship they had had been blown to pieces by Eiji's perverse actions. His knocks received no answer, as did any of his entreaties or offers, and even when his desperation turned to anger, he got no response. After almost an hour, he gave up, retreating back to the kitchen and to what remained of the alcohol in the house, wondering how he had let Eiji destroy everything for a second time.
An hour and a half and two bottles of sake later found Daiki outside Jay's door again, apologies streaming from his lips, hindered only by hiccups and his own tears as he begged Jay to forgive him, to have him back as his father. He received no response, but he could see no option but to keep trying, because Jay was his only son, Jay was the only thing he had, the only piece of love left in his life. But even as his babbled entreaties melted more into sobs than pleas, they were met only by silence, and Daiki was left to wonder, as he cried himself to sleep slouched against the outside of Jay's bedroom door, how he had gone and gambled everything only to be left with nothing at all.