Title: 心中 (shinjuu - lovers' suicide)
Disclaimer: Hard to Hold is still not mine.
Warnings: Character death, age difference, BL, kissing
Author's Note: The title is how Shimura, himself, describes Hiiro's death to Aoshima in the play, though it's sort of unclear whether the conversation between Aoshima and Shimura actually happens or not. I really, really wanted to see Shimura happy... and somehow, this seemed like the only way to do it...
The apartment stands empty now, the place where Hiiro used to live. Cobwebs have formed in the crevices, dust blankets the meager furniture in a thin veil. The owner of the building apparently hasn't been able to lease the place even after the police investigation ended a few short days ago, and it's not surprising; no one wants to live in the apartment where, less than a month prior, a young boy was found dead, strangled-- murdered. No one, probably, had even set foot in the place since then-- no one, that is, except for Shimura.
The door is locked, the blinds are closed-- there's no way for anyone to know that today is special, that today, there are lungs breathing this musky air, there's a heart pulsing blood through veins that warm this cold place. Shimura sits on the floor where, weeks ago, he straddled the boy he loved for the last time as he wrung the life from his body. He remembers how tight Hiiro's grip was around his wrists right up until his fingers grew limp and hands fell away, he remembers how Hiiro thrashed beneath him, face contorted in pain until, so soon, he relaxed, face so peaceful he could have been sleeping. He doesn't regret it-- he couldn't have taken Hiiro leaving him, he just couldn't have-- but with Hiiro, Shimura killed a little bit of himself, too, and now it's time for the rest to follow.
He has the razor with him, and he knows what he's going to do. There's no hesitation in his mind nor his body as he rolls back his sleeves, thumbs the blade out of its plastic case, presses the cold metal to his wrist. There are better ways to go, probably, but Shimura's not so dramatic as to jump in front of a train or anything silly like that, and besides, he wants to go where Hiiro went. It's bad enough that he's waited this long, that he balked and didn't follow immediately after his love, and he feels guilt pulse through him, making his heart clench in his chest even in these last moments. But there's nothing he can do now but hurry up and go, and so , with no more hesitation, he thrusts the blade into his flesh, fighting not to flinch as the pain shoots through him. It's not so bad when he remembers who he's going after, however, and he finishes the job quickly, letting himself fall back into the spot where Hiiro had laid so recently. It will be over soon, he tells himself, he'll follow Hiiro soon.
But then a heavy sigh startles him into a sitting position; the sound came from just beside him, and he's alarmed to see Hiiro there, pouting at him as he had so often before. "Ne, sensei~" he whines, and Shimura blinks, certain he must be dreaming, "What're you doing sleeping at a time like this?"
Shimura opens his mouth to answer, but no words come even as Hiiro leans closer still. "We've gotta go now, remember? You promised!" He sits back on his heels, crossing his arms over his chest and looks hurt and slightly affronted as he peers up at Shimura from under long, boyish lashes. "After you kept me waiting for so long, too..."
At this, Shimura feels his chest tighten, and he lurches forward slightly, unsteadily. "Hiiro-- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to leave you, but--"
But Hiiro's pout melts into a warm smile at this, and he shakes his head, looking straight into Shimura's eyes. "It's fine. But can't we go already? You promised we'd go today, just you and me, together..."
His expression makes the guilt dissolve away, and the smile, the look reminds Shimura of why he's so desperately in love with this boy. His heart squeezes in his chest, so happy to see Hiiro it hurts, but he doesn't linger on it, only Hiiro, always Hiiro. The boy is insistent as he always was, and Shimura can't help but smile too, nodding. It's almost uncharacteristic for Hiiro to be so excited, so positive about something so simple as a date like this, but it only makes Shimura's heart swell all the more when he hops to his feet, holding out his hand for Shimura with a, "Let's go, Sensei~"
Shimura accepts, allowing Hiiro to pull him to his feet, but is surprised when, instead of letting him go, Hiiro throws his arms around him, burying his face in Shimura's shoulder. "Hiiro?" Shimura asks, slightly confused if not at all upset by the action, but Hiiro giggles a little before lifting his head, grinning up at Shimura.
"I'm so glad you're here now, Shimura-sensei," he confesses, tilting his head slightly to the side in that way that Shimura's always found only too adorable on him. "I missed you."
"I missed you, too," Shimura agrees easily, sliding his arms around Hiiro's waist and pulling him closer still. Hiiro acquiesces, relaxing into the embrace and placing a light kiss on Shimura's lips before smiling back up at him again. "I love you, Shimura-sensei."
The words catch Shimura off guard, because Hiiro's never said anything like them before, and because it's what Shimura's wanted, what Shimura's needed for so long. His breath catches in his throat and there are almost tears in his eyes as he swallows and breathes, "...Hiiro..."
Hiiro smiles back at him for a long moment before pulling away, hand clasped tightly around Shimura's, and pulls him towards the door. "Come on, Shimura-sensei, let's go!" he urges, pleasure ringing in his voice, and Shimura follows easily as Hiiro throws open the door and leads him out into the glittering, dazzling starlight...
By the time they find his body, Shimura is cold and stiff and has been dead for a long, long time. Still, it's somehow reassuring to see such a genuine smile on his face even as he lays in a pool of his own blood on the dusty, worn carpet.