word count: 1,498
author's note: The last paragraph is taken from October Winkup. The title, "nareta" means "to have grown accustomed to; to have gotten used to."
summary: Fuma isn't really sure where his life is headed anymore.
Fuma isn't really sure where his life is headed anymore. After a year of ups and downs, of tears and hurt and new beginnings, somehow, it feels like he's coming out of the spin cycle of some gigantic washing machine, and while some aspects of his life have survived the process unchanged, others are unrecognizable now, are like nothing Fuma could have ever imagined, and he isn't really sure how to feel about it. His insides, too, have gone through the wash cycle and are all knotted inside of him; his heart has been wrung out one too many times already. The sight of his new (not really new anymore, not after a year) bandmates sometimes makes him want to cry out of love for them, while other times the tears are out of self-pity, and then sometimes he feels so highly apathetic it's as if he's watching his own life like it's a movie. Work is work, but it's hard to build into any sort of routine when sometimes he wants nothing more than to help the small ones grow into artists, into mature idols, while other times, the frustration of working with immature children is too much and he longs, ironically, for the days before he was a contracted employee, for the days when he was a junior and he was in a comfortable unit of people he knew he could depend on.
But at least, when all else fails, when everything else falls apart and falls away, at least he has Hokuto again. The time directly after B.I.Shadow's breakup had been rough, for both of them, really, but now, after a year, they've come, at least, to the understanding that no matter what comes, no matter what hardships their agency throws at them, they'd rather face them together than separately. Fuma isn't sure if it's some miracle or if finally, karma is on his side, but whatever has caused Hokuto to recover from the loss of B.I.Shadow enough to allow Fuma back into his life has been Fuma's saving grace. After everything he's been through, knowing he has Hokuto to fall back on at the end of the day is like a light at the end of the tunnel on the days that he has to drag himself through the day, is a happy promise that lifts his mood on the days that he has to be a shoulder for the younger ones to lean on. When, no matter if it's a good day or a bad day, he has to be the most responsible member of his group, it's a comfort to know that he has someone to come home to who will hold him tight and tell him that everything will be okay.
But things aren't exactly perfect on the relationship front, either, not after so long in turmoil, not after all they've been through. They love one another, of that Fuma is sure; Hokuto professes his love constantly now, from a casual comment coupled with quick kiss to a comforting assurance as Hokuto wraps Fuma's hand tight in his own to a mantra repeated against Fuma's cheek, Hokuto's breath hot against his face, hands hot against his skin late into the evening. And Fuma loves him, of course, loves him more than anything, has never stopped loving him even through the year after B.I.Shadow's breakup, when everything fell apart. But that's the problem, really; everything has fallen apart and they're not really sure how to put this one part back together when so much of the foundation of their relationship is a shared group that no longer exists anymore. They don't rehearse together, they don't work together, they're not there for one another anymore in personal triumphs, personal failures and to make matters worse, now that Fuma has debuted, he has effectively achieved what Hokuto is striving for, despite the fact that the whole process seems entirely random, must be entirely random, because Fuma doesn't understand when Hokuto is so much more talented, so much more hardworking, so much more attractive than he is…
And so, when their old patterns fail, they have nothing to fall back on but one another. With everything that used to be true about their lives together stripped away, all they can do is hold on, hold on to the person for whom their love has overcome the harsh realities attempting to tear them apart. Because it's true-- they love one another no matter what the circumstances, no matter what's happening around them, and promise as much in hot whispers against one another's faces, lips, into their shoulders or hair. They've never been a particularly physical couple; their love means more than that, Hokuto used to say, means more than touches and kisses and sex, and they've always shown their affection through words and thoughtful gestures and sweet nothings-- in the past, anyway. But now that everything that brought them together has been taken away, somehow, it's as if they need to prove to one another that they're still here, as if they need to physically hold on or else they'll get swept away by the tides constantly trying to break them apart.
But Fuma is hardly complaining, really, when he has Hokuto's strong arms around him and Hokuto's warmth radiating through him and Hokuto's voice against his skin assuring him I love you, I love you so much, not when he's spent so many nights in the not-so-distant past alone, crying himself to sleep without anyone to hold him steady. Hokuto's embraces are welcome and far easier than facing the fact that they're likely never work together the way they used to ever again, is easier than addressing how hard it is to go to work every morning knowing that he'll be alone. It's easier if they don't talk about work, he thinks, and luckily, it seems like Hokuto feels the same way.
And so Fuma goes through his days not knowing what's going to happen except that he will go home to Hokuto at the end of the day, not knowing how to feel except for his love for Hokuto. During the day, Hokuto emails him encouraging messages full of sweet words that, at the end of the day, mean nothing besides that he loves Fuma; in the evenings, they go out for dinner and talk about the scenery or things they've seen on TV or else they stay in and make plans for next weekend, their next date. It's comfortable most of the time, except for when a topic strays too close to work, to the thought of all of their problems, and then one of them will tense and the other will backpedal as far as possible to something more safe.
But soon enough, the time for talking is over and they retreat into one another, into one or the other of their beds for the night. Just Hokuto's presence alone is enough for Fuma, more than enough really, just feeling his body close to Fuma's own, his breath against Fuma's face, his heart beating as they drift off to sleep together. Fuma fights it as long as possible; tries to put off the morning, when they'll have to awkwardly dance around the topic of work as they get ready for the day, when they'll be parted again because work is cruel and harsh and completely unlike it used to be. Fuma hates the morning, and so he clings on to the evenings, onto the one part of his life that he really feels like he understands, the one part of his life that he knows is going in the right direction…
But then one morning, as Fuma and Hokuto prepare to say their normal farewells after a morning of tense silence and unpleasant foreboding, Hokuto catches Fuma's hand on his way out the door. "Have a good day at work today," he says simply, his smile loving, honest, "Good luck with filmings."
And even as he turns and walks away, Fuma isn't sure what happened besides the fact that suddenly, everything seems a whole lot clearer…
Recently, my thinking in terms of work has completely changed. I guess you could say, at last, I've grown accustomed to Sexy Zone (laugh). From now on, even more than up until now, I have the resolution to take Sexy Zone straight on until the end and make it a huge group. There were a lot of times when I felt like, because Sexy Zone gave me the feeling of "a group of small kids," I didn't know how I could possibly be true to myself in such a group, or when I felt perplexed, weren't there? But now, rather than being perplexed, I should use my experience and take the lead… that's what I've come to think. Because I think a guy who doesn't give all he has to give can never make it big. Kikuchi Fuma has been reborn!