Anyway, please please please read the warnings on this one! I don't want to upset anyone. But otherwise, enjoy~
title: looks like rain
pairing: Yamada Ryosuke/Chinen Yuri
warnings: The main theme of this fic is eating disorders, specifically anorexia. If this is potentially upsetting to you, please read with caution.
word count: 1,509
author's note: There's been weird weather today, and somehow, I was inspired to write this…
summary: And so now here they are, laying in the grass side by side, just the two of them, one week-long hospital stay and 6 months worth of outpatient treatment and 25.42 kg later.
It's dusk, and they sit in the park, just the two of them. Even as the sun sets behind the clouds, in mid-July, it's stiflingly hot and humid, and the heat feels oppressive as they lay on their backs in the grass, staring up at the sky, hands intertwined. They've been here for hours now, just laying, the set of them, and maybe they'll be here for hours still; Chinen isn't sure, but he isn't complaining. Every so often, he glances beside him to his companion, sometimes to survey him, to see if he's fallen asleep, long lashes brushing against the the painfully sharp angle of his cheekbones, or if he's still looking up into the sky above, but most of the time, he's just checking, just making sure that Ryosuke is still there beside him.
It's a little silly, especially when Chinen has always been the carefree one, the one to push aside worries and troubles and barrel forward without regrets, but Ryosuke isn't just something he can push aside, would ever want to push aside, and when the worries and the troubles stopped being about Ryosuke and simply began being Ryosuke, what was Chinen to do? It still scares him to think about it, more than he's ever been scared before in his life, really, to remember watching Ryosuke's cheeks hallow out and his arms and legs thin to the point that it looked as if they would break at any moment, if the choreography was just a little too intense, to remember the bags under his eyes growing deeper, the tone of his skin growing paler and more sallow, and maybe he was imagining it, or maybe somehow, in some way, Chinen really could see the life fading out from Ryosuke's eyes, because Chinen has never been one for romanticism or unnecessary panic, but he can't remember anything more terrifying than watching Ryosuke go through the motions as if part of him wasn't really there at all.
And then there was the paralysis of uncertainty and fear that choked him whenever they were together, the overwhelming worry of saying the wrong thing and making things worse, the panic that tightened around his throat and prickled across his skin every time they had a meal together and he watched Ryosuke eat one or two bites and then push the rest around his plate to make it look as if he's eaten more. He remembers searching desperately on the internet for answers, knowing that he wasn't going to find any and yet too afraid to mention it to anyone in person, too afraid that whatever he might say would somehow make things worse, because anyone who knew him, who knew them was bound to realize that hypothetically, I have this friend who might maybe have an eating disorder or something… could only be about one person. The others talked about it between them, in hushed voices in the dressing room and cryptic text messages, but Chinen couldn't help but draw away from the conversation as if it might burn him, because he didn't know what to do, because he was so scared that anything any of them did or said would only make it worse. He wasn't used to this sort of uncertainty, this complete lack of confidence in his ability to handle the situation, but when his encouragements and his love seemed to have made no impact on Ryosuke's mental health back before this had spiraled into a problem, or really, back before even Chinen realized there was a problem, he felt at a loss later, trapped by his own inability to make things better.
And so somehow, Chinen had found himself bracing himself with every text message he received, every rehearsal he had, every waking moment, really, for the worst to happen, because it seemed as if it was only a matter of time, and Chinen could do nothing to stop it. But even his worst nightmares and most tense moments couldn't have prepared him for how it felt when it actually had happened, when he got the frantic call from Ryosuke's sister that Ryosuke had collapsed in solo rehearsal and had been taken to the hospital, and that they didn't know what was wrong with him or if he was going to be okay, and Chinen can still remember how it felt as if his heart had simply stopped beating in his chest, how he had literally dropped what he was holding and run to the train station, how every inch of his being was screaming that if he didn't hurry it could be too late--
But it hadn't been too late, and when Chinen had arrived, he'd been allowed to see Ryosuke, laying there looking sick and frail and sallow and nothing like the Ryosuke Chinen could remember from not-so-long ago, the little boy with the round face who'd held Chinen's hand and told him he loved him. But it was Chinen who was holding Ryosuke's hand now, and all he could manage was oh god, oh god as Ryosuke looked up at him with hazy eyes as if he barely even recognized Chinen at all, and I'm so sorry Chinen was saying, because really, this whole time, he had been too scared to do anything to help and so this was really partly his fault, but then Ryosuke was saying No, I'm sorry too, and then Chinen was shaking his head and saying I wanted so badly to help, but--, and then Ryosuke was cutting him off to reply, I pushed you away before, but I need you now.
And somehow, in some way, that was enough. After so long, it was enough to feel as if finally, this whole ordeal was going to be over, and then suddenly, tears were streaming down Chinen's cheeks and raining onto Ryosuke as Chinen hovered over him, fingers clasped tightly around Ryosuke's cold, bony hand, and when Ryosuke began to cry, too, his cheeks colouring with the emotional outlet more than they had in a long, long time, Chinen knew that finally, finally things were changing for the better.
And so now here they are, laying in the grass side by side, just the two of them, one week-long hospital stay and 6 months worth of outpatient treatment and 25.42 kg later. Even though Ryosuke's cheeks are still hallowed and there are still bags under his eyes and his fingers still feel terrifyingly bony, a little bit of the life has come back to his eyes, and to Chinen, that's what matters, more than anything, that's what says to him that things are getting better. And so as Ryosuke stares up at the cloudy sky above them, Chinen finds himself captivated, he can't help but simply look aa Ryosuke continues to exist beside him, and it's enough, it's more than enough. They were supposed to have had rehearsal today, but everything been changed around since Ryosuke's hospitalization, and so when, that morning, Ryosuke had said I don't feel so hot Chinen hadn't wasted a moment in calling their manager and informing her that they wouldn't be making it to rehearsal today. After far too long of looking on and doing nothing, he thinks, it's the least he can do.
They've laid here all day, now, hand in hand, and while Chinen had been expecting Ryosuke to gripe, he hasn't said anything, hasn't seemed bored or upset or worried, and maybe, Chinen thinks, it could be nothing, but some part of him really wants to believe it's a good sign. But only time will tell, and so he simply lays and watches until as the sun is just about to disappear entirely beyond the clouds, Ryosuke turns and looks at him and smiles, just smiles.
It's enough to take Chinen's breath away, because Ryosuke hasn't smiled like that in… Chinen doesn't even remember how long, and somehow, the happiness and the relief are enough to short-circuit his brain and all he can do is nod up to the clouds in the sky and say, "Looks like rain…"
But Ryosuke shakes his head, a slender hand coming to cup Chinen's cheek, and his palms feel warm, actually warm, and Chinen wants to kiss him, right then and there, wants cry with relief even though there have been so many moments like this already and hopefully will be many more and since when has Chinen even been a crier, anyway? But the tears pool in his eyes all the same, until Ryosuke's thumb stops them in their tracks and he shakes his head again, smile not wavering, not even a little. "The clouds will clear," he says, a certainty in his voice so strong that Chinen can't help but smile too, can't help but believe, and even as thunder rumbles in the distance and the sky opens up on them, humidity seeming to double in the summer storm, Chinen looks back into Ryosuke's eyes and all he can think is that this is the most beautiful view he's seen in years.