pairings: Haniuda Amu→Nakamura Reia, Jinguji Yuta/Nakamura Reia, background Takahashi Fu/Kishi Yuta
warnings: immature post-breakup behaviour
word count: 893
author's note: This is a birthday present for my bff yomimashou! ♥ I hope you have an awesome day!
summary: It sucks sometimes, Amu thinks drearily, to not understand, to be so completely clueless.
Sometimes Amu feels like he never has any idea what's going on. He's never been really good at knowing things, not since he was a kid, and certainly not once he joined Johnny's, once he entered the dazzling world of show business. It's hard enough to remember the names of all the managers and staff and senpai around him, not to mention the choreography and the lyrics and all the right costume changes… sometimes, in fact, he feels like he's being bombarded from all angles with new information that he can't quite manage to keep in his head. He's never been very good at multitasking, after all, and when everything all around his is as sparkling and breathtaking as… well, as everything is in Johnny's, it makes it just that much harder.
And that's not even getting onto the topic of the other juniors, the group of kids his age with whom he's (sort of?) a group and (sort of?) friends. Or at least, Amu thinks they're friends, but he's never really been good at knowing that sort of thing either, how to get close to someone besides literally standing close to them and hoping that the physical proximity will bring with it an interpersonal closeness, as well, but now, after two years, when it comes to Jinguji and Kishi and Genki and Kaoru and Fu and Reia, Amu really thinks they are friends, not just people who stand close to one another. Still, even though they're his friends, even though they hang out together and joke and laugh, Amu struggles to read them sometimes, struggles to know what's going on inside their heads and between them.
Because how is he supposed to be able to understand why Fu calls Kishi names like forgetful and clumsy while other times, they hold hands and leave rehearsal together and look into one another's eyes in a way that Amu doesn't really understand but makes him feel somehow awkward all the same? And how is he supposed to know what it means when one moment, Jinguji is boasting Reia as his boyfriend and lauding his cuteness and his talents while the next, he's calling Reia a bitch and saying nasty things about him to Amu behind his back? They're on-again-off-again, Genki has explained to him before, matter-of-factly, as if everyone should understand, but Amu doesn't, and so he nods along and tries not to look utterly baffled as he watches and wonders what it all means.
And it's not really such a big deal, because most of the time, Reia seems perfectly happy, and while Jinguji doesn't, really, one thing Amu has learned is that pouting is basically how Jinguji goes through life. And so he tries not to worry about it, but something about the things that Jinguji says about Reia when they're, as the others put it, "off again," something about the way Reia sighs heavily at the mention of Jinguji's name every so often makes Amu worry. Because while he doesn't really know what the feeling means, he knows that every time he watches Reia dance, every time he sits beside Reia in the van on the way to a concert venue or magazine studio, every time he gets a little too caught up looking at Reia even when Reia's doing nothing at all, it makes his chest feel tight and his heart feel fluttery, and what he does know (or at least, what he thinks he knows…) is that Reia deserves the best. And so sometimes, even if he knows he doesn't know everything, he can't help but worry that something's a little off.
Still, Reia assures him it's fine, Reia brushes him off and even gets a little annoyed sometimes, and so he nods and does his best not to worry, but sometimes, still, it's hard not to be concerned, hard not to be frustrated, because no matter what he does, he can't ever seem to get it right. Amu isn't really one to get down easily, to get depressed, but sometimes, for reasons he (of course) doesn't understand, when it comes to Reia, he can't help it, because clearly, he understands Reia the least of them all, clearly, he fails at comprehending the situation if every time he tries to help, Reia doesn't want to hear anything of it. Mostly, he tries not to think about it, but still, it gets him down when Reia blows him off to spend the evening with Jinguji, or when, even amongst a large group, Reia is always at Jinguji's side, and he can't help but feeling just the tiny bit down on himself when, on the morning of his birthday, he doesn't even get a text message from Reia. It sucks, he thinks drearily, to not understand, to be so completely clueless.
But then when he arrives at rehearsal to find all his friends waiting for him in the dressing room, a cake set out on the counter and gifts in hand, when they all break out into a rowdy and off-key but wonderful anyway rendition of happy birthday that ends with a kiss on the cheek from Reia himself, Amu can't help but think, even standing stunned in the doorway as he is, that maybe he doesn't understand what's going on, but maybe, sometimes, that's okay.