ミランダ (大丈夫) (faded_lace) wrote,
ミランダ (大丈夫)
faded_lace

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Title: Mr. Brightside

Disclaimer: Saiyuki is not mine, and neither is Mr. Brightside.

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Yaoi, 58, songficciness, emoness

Author’s note: I was dancing to this in my jazz class and thinking about 58. So I wrote a story. XD Not a very ceremonial AN, I know…;;;



I'm coming out of my cage

Behind closed doors, he could let his façade drop. He had managed, by some miracle of fate, to get Sanzo to stay with Goku tonight. So that left him, all by himself to the other room. It was a hollow victory, but at least he could let his smile rest for a while. It was getting rather worn out.

And I've been doing just fine

After all, he had been wearing it non-stop through dinner and into the evening until he could finally find solitude. And he had worn it the evening before, and the evening before that. He had kept it up; it was what he did, after all, but it was really beginning to hurt.

Gotta gotta be down

It wasn’t like he could say anything, after all. He couldn’t just stop him. Anything out of the ordinary could be a disturbance to the balance, and then it would all come crashing down. Not to mention the absurdness of it all; him, good-natured, nice Hakkai telling Gojyo not to sleep around. It wasn’t something that would happen. No, it was better to lay low.

Because I want it all

He supposed he was greedy for wanting it, but it didn’t feel that way. Wanting something and getting it were not really connected in Hakkai’s book. Especially when the desired object was far, far out of grasp.

It started out with a kiss

He thought back to what had happened two weeks ago, what had started this ongoing problem. They had been camping out because of the long distance between towns, and Sanzo and Goku had already been asleep. He had been coming back from a walk through the woods; sleep was evading him again, when he had met up with Gojyo.

How did it end up like this

It had all happened in a second, and then it was done. Afterwards, Hakkai had tried as hard as possible to push it form his mind, but it had only confirmed the feelings he had had a sneaking suspicion were there to begin with.

It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss

However, he was sure that there were no feelings on the other side; it had meant nothing. And so both of them had pretended like it never happened the next day, and everything had been fine. At least, Hakkai had worked very hard to make it seem that way.

Now I'm falling asleep

Hakkai sighed and turned out the lights, then climbed into bed. Falling asleep meant running away from your troubles, but Hakkai was in no mood to fight. He squeezed his eyes shut and hoped for sleep to come quickly. He needed escape.

And she's calling a cab

Instead, however, his mind wandered to what Gojyo might be doing, wherever he was. He had left the group right before Hakkai had, or, rather, Hakkai had left right after he did. He knew it might look suspicious, but he didn’t know how much longer his expression could last.

While he's having a smoke

He presumed Gojyo was in another room by now, or maybe he was still back at the bar. But wherever he was, Hakkai was sure he was with at least one of the girls he had noticed earlier. He was probably smoking, or sweet talking the girls; doing all those things that he did that had always bothered Hakkai at the back of his mind. He had just never noticed it until now.

And she's taking a drag

He wondered how the female population of the world felt. He guessed they didn’t care, that all they wanted was what Gojyo gave them, but he didn’t think that he would be able to handle that kind of thing. He guessed it was just who he was…

Now they're going to bed

A glance to the clock told him it was getting pretty late. Gojyo was surely in a room by now, some room, somewhere in the inn. He wondered where. He was probably in bed by now with some random girl he had picked up. Hakkai involuntarily shuddered.

And my stomach is sick

Hakkai stared out the window as it began to rain outside. It beat down into the dark night, and Hakkai felt a vague pain in his stomach. He wasn’t sure what it was from. Rain didn’t usually induce his scar to start hurting anymore, and it wasn’t really the same feeling. He ignored the part of his mind that knew why.

And it's all in my head

He tried to shut the thoughts out of his mind, to just fall asleep, but it wasn’t happening. He kept wondering what Gojyo was doing, and, at the same time, not wanting to know. His head began to spin, and he rolled over in squeezed his eyes shut.

But she's touching his-chest

Unfortunately, sleep did not seem to be an option as scenarios played out in his head….

Now, he takes off her dress

Until he couldn’t take it anymore.

Now, let me go

He threw himself out of bed and pulled on his shoes. He didn’t know where he was going but he felt he had to keep walking. Anything to keep his mind off of Gojyo.

And I just can't look its killing me

His head was beginning to pound as his legs carried him down the hallway. He almost tripped descending the stairs, but caught himself before stumbling out the first door he came to and throwing himself up against the wall.

And taking control

Sinking down to his knees, he realized he was now outside the back of the inn. The rain felt good against his face, and he stared up against the sky. He wished that he could drown himself, just like this, out in the rain. It had almost killed him once, after all.

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea

He supposed he really was a sinner. He had dated his sister, become a mass murderer, and now found himself making himself sick with jealousy. Deciding that he wasn’t going to die quick enough staring at the sky, he leaned back against the building in a sullen state of anguish.

Swimming through sick lullabies

He supposed it was just what was meant for him. Nothing ever turned out his way, and so he had taken to locking everything up inside of him. He wasn’t sure if that was right, but he didn’t really care. It was what had worked for him. Now, however, it seemed to be blowing up in his face.

Choking on your alibis

But, then again, it wasn’t like he had a choice. He couldn’t confront Gojyo after what had happened 2 weeks ago, there was just no way. It was a catch 22, really, he was just stuck. And it had gotten worse afterwards; Hakkai had been barring himself off more than ever, and Gojyo had been sleeping around more than usual.

But it's just the price I pay

But, he supposed, that was what he got for falling in love with someone impossible again. First his sister, now his best friend. He sighed, looking out into the rain. He guessed he was just really messed up.

Destiny is calling me

Strangely, though the rain wasn’t letting up, Hakkai began to feel slightly better. He didn’t know why, but he began to feel less lightheaded. And then, he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Hakkai?”

Open up my eager eyes

Hakkai turned his head to see a soaking wet Gojyo behind him, looking worried and slightly relieved. “Why are you out here all by yourself in the rain?”

Hakkai just blinked at him, caught completely off guard.

'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside





I'm coming out of my cage

Gojyo could only really look at Hakkai when he was away from the group. Sitting right next to him, right across from him, Hakkai could always look over, and then explaining would be needed and general bad things would ensue. But when he stepped away, got just out of sight, then he could look back.

And I've been doing just fine

He had been feeling more than melancholy recently; closer to downright depressed. He hid it well, which wasn’t too hard, but he hadn’t really felt the need to numb himself from the world this badly for ages.

Gotta gotta be down

Sleeping around wasn’t really what he wanted to be doing now, but it helped, if not much. It occupied him, and kept him from thinking about a certain someone. To an extent, anyway. It helped to an extent.

Because I want it all

In all reality, it wasn’t what he wanted. What he wanted was a person, and maybe their love as well. It wasn’t very much; he didn’t think he was being greedy. But still, it was far, far out of his grasp, and it looked like it was going to stay that way.

It started out with a kiss

Why couldn’t he have just said something two weeks ago, when all of this started? Well, it didn’t really start two weeks ago, but that was when he had made the irrational decision to act upon the feelings that had been there for so long.

How did it end up like this

He could’ve just gotten this over with then, just said those 3 stupid little words, and this would have been resolved. But he had been too afraid, and so they both just acted like nothing had happened.

It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss

He supposed he made the better decision anyway, because, besides the possible damage it could have done Hakkai, it would have been painful to him, as well. Hakkai loved Kanan, after all, and that was that. There was no room for others.

Now I'm falling asleep

Gojyo wasn’t really tired, but he couldn’t face the others right now. And he was getting tired of just sleeping around, what he wanted the others to believe he was doing. It was something he never, ever dreamed he’d get tired of such a thing. He guessed tat was just an effect that Hakkai had on him. So, finding nothing better to do, he decided to go for a walk. No one would really miss him anyway. He headed out the back door of the inn and set off into the woods.

And she's calling a cab

Unfortunately, though his feet were moving, his mind wandered back to Kanan. He found himself suddenly feeling quite envious of her, and sneered to himself. He had never really thought it would come down to this again, loving someone who couldn’t care less about him.

While he's having a smoke

He pulled a pack of cigarettes and his lighter out of his pocket and lit up, he needed to calm down. It was really annoying how many cigarettes he used a day, especially now that he was depressed all the time. He half-laughed, realizing that he picked up the habit when he was eleven or twelve, the last time he was really upset about being unloved.

And she's taking a drag

Gojyo wondered, as he wandered, what Hakkai saw in Kanan, anyway. He knew love wasn’t rational, but really. She wasn’t especially attractive, physically, or, from the stories he’d heard, personality wise, either. She obviously couldn’t have cared for Gonou too much, or else she wouldn’t have offed herself. Idly, Gojyo wondered if she was something like a drug that Hakkai just got addicted to.

Now they're going to bed

And then a worse thought struck him. Maybe she was really good in bed. The thought of having sex with a sibling thoroughly grossed Gojyo out, but maybe it had turned Hakkai on. Maybe what he liked so much about Kanan was having sex with her. Gojyo shuddered at the thought.

And my stomach is sick

He couldn’t think about it, he just shouldn’t think about it. It would make him sick, make him feel even more depressed than before. After all, he was used to being unloved, that was the way it had always been for him. He supposed it just showed how hard he had fallen for Hakkai that he was getting this upset.

And it's all in my head

Gojyo tried hard to concentrate on walking, on his surroundings, on the rain that was falling on him, drenching his hair and clothes, but it just didn’t work. His mind was being gravitationally pulled towards thoughts of Hakkai and his old lover, it seemed. Gojyo silently cursed gravity.

But she's touching his-chest

Unfortunately, the thoughts just got worse and worse…

Now, he takes off her dress

Until he couldn’t take it anymore.

Now, let me go

Breaking into a run, he forced himself forward, drenching himself further. His heart pounded in his chest and he beat himself up inside. He needed to get his mind off of this; he needed to get out of this rut. He needed to stop thinking, just to stop.

Cause I just can't look its killing me

If he kept this depression, this wanting, this cycle of beating himself up and wanting it nonetheless, up, it was sure to kill him. And that was certainly no way to go, especially not before this goddamn mission was over with.

And taking control

And there seemed to be no way out but to just get it over with. As much as he told himself he shouldn’t, he wanted so badly just to tell Hakkai. Maybe, maybe, there was some dim chance, right? But he couldn’t. Even if he went crazy he had to protect Hakkai.

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea

And yet, he thought, as his mind wandering back to Kanan, there was no way he could be worse for the healer than Kanan had been, than she still was. He would never do what she did to him. He was so much more worthy. Why did she have to go and ruin everything, anyway?

Swimming through sick lullabies

Gojyo vaguely became aware of the rain as he fought with himself. Rainy days always seemed to have such a depressing effect on Hakkai; maybe the same thing would become of him. It wasn’t a reassuring thought, but a vaguely comforting one, that he would be, for once, the one brooding instead of the one worrying.

Choking on your alibis

And yet, when he brooded, he tended to sleep around. And that was just another cheap escape, another easy way out. He chided himself at his stupidity. It seemed to be kicking him in the ass now, anyway, since sex was seeming less and less appealing.

But it’s just the price I pay

Gojyo tired and gradually slowed his pace. For the first time, it hit him that he had no idea where he was. He scolded himself for being an idiot and getting lost. The internal argument over whether or not to tell Hakkai faded for a second while he tried to figure out his location. Taking a few more steps, he came out of the forest and found himself on the side of the inn.

Destiny is calling me

He was about to turn and go inside when something told him to go around the back of the building. Figuring it wouldn’t do any harm, he followed the instinct. What he saw surprised him.

“Hakkai!”

Open up my eager eyes

The other man, huddled against the side of the building, looking out into the rain, spurred a strange feeling inside Gojyo, and suddenly, there was no more argument. Hurrying over to Hakkai, who didn’t seem to have heard him the first time, he put his hand on the other man’s shoulder and said concernedly, “Hakkai? Why are you all by yourself out here in the rain?”

Hakkai looked up at him, a mix of surprise and something else Gojyo didn’t recognize playing in his eyes.

Gojyo smiled slightly and offered him a hand as Hakkai said, “Gojyo? Why…?”

Gojyo helped him to his feet with a shrug. “I love you.”

'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside



I never...

Hakkai’s eyes widened and he almost fell back down again. He felt his breath catch in his throat, and tightened his grip on Gojyo’s hand, which he never let go of. Finally, he managed, “You…?”

Gojyo smiled at him. “I do.”

I never...

Gojyo was praying to any god that might exist that he made the right choice when he felt Hakkai squeeze his hand. His mind buzzed and his heart pounded as he wondered what all of Hakkai’s actions meant.

And then, Hakkai leaned forward and, after glancing into his eyes for a second, kissed him.

He was pretty sure what that meant.

I never...

The kiss lasted an eternity, and yet it ended in a second. Hakkai felt himself smile as they broke apart. “I love you, too.”

Gojyo smiled back. “I was hoping you would.”

Hakkai responded by kissing him again.

I never...

Gojyo congratulated himself as he led Hakkai out of the rain and into the inn on making a good decision. Everything turned out fine. It seemed he was just overly paranoid.

He guessed sometimes, it was just better to look on the bright side.
Tags: bl, one-shot, saiyuki, songfic
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