Disclaimer: Saiyuki belongs to Kazuya Minekura, Dearly Beloved to Green Day
Warnings: Shounen ai, character death, songfic
Author’s note: I was in a character-deathy mood when I wrote this…I guess I was feeling pretty emo. xD;
Dearly Beloved, are you listening?
His voice spoke longingly to no one, and he blinked in surprise the he had spoken aloud at all. He supposed that being alone for this amount of time had caused him to start speaking his thoughts. He chided himself for having developed such a dangerous habit. He would have made a mental note to break it, had it not been for the cicumstances.
I can’t remember a word that you were saying.
Gojyo jumped slightly and glanced over his shoulder. He was sure he had heard an all-too-familiar voice, and was anxious to prove the fact. Unfortunately, no one was there; the house was as empty as it had been for the past year. As empty as it had always felt to Gojyo, anyway. He had tried to get into (another?) real relationship, but it had never worked out.
He strained, hoping to hear the voice again, but there was only silence. He could barely remember the sound of that voice anymore…
Are we demented or am I disturbed?
Hakkai leaned back on the rock on which he was sitting and sighed, thinking back. He was wrong to have ever started, he was wrong to have allowed it to continue as long as it did. He was wrong to have imposed again and to have caused pain. He had always been talented at inflicting pain on himself, but he cursed himself for sharing it with others.
It had all been Hakkai’s fault, and yet, he got the horrible feeling that Gojyo was sufferring, too.
The space that’s in-between insane and insecure.
Gojyo figured he was going insane, what with hearing voices and such, but it gave him a peculiar feeling, and, suddenly, he was at the door, pulling his coat on. Why was he searching for someone who did not wish to be found was really beyond him, but he didn’t care.
The cold air blew his hair out of his face, and he shivered. He was searching for someone he hadn’t spoken to in more than a year, and in the middle of the night in late fall. Yes, he was definitely insane now.
Oh, therapy, can you please fill a void?
Hakkai smiled as he shivered, making no attempt to get warmer. He was grateful for the torture, he deserved the punnishment. As the river water lapped against the shore below him, he saw his fragmented reflection and glared at himself.
He could tell by just a glance to his eyes that there was definitely something wrong with him, his façades had been abandoned when he started living alone. There was a sort-of void inside of him, like something was missing. Gojyo had filled that void, but Hakkai had soon found that it was a painful occupation. That was unacceptable.
Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed?
Branches crunched under Gojyo’s feet as he hurried through the night. He wasn’t sure why, but he felt overly-anxious, like he had a limited amount of time to find what he was looking for. Of course, there was not guarentee that he would find it at all, so he didn’t understand the feeling.
He could hear rushing water ahead, so he assumed he was coming up to a river and was ready to turn around when he came to a clearing. And there, sitting on a rock by the riverbed, was Hakkai. Gojyo’s stomach lurched with joy.
Nobody’s perfect and I stand accused.
“Hakkai!” Hakkai’s head whipped around when he heard his name called, and his eyes widened as he saw Gojyo.
“…Gojyo?” And for the first time, Hakkai doubted his plan. It was frightening, having this feeling of insecurity once more. But it was inevidable, really, it was too late to turn back now. Besides, the plan had been made when he was thinking clearly, it was prepared carefully to make things better for everyone. Now, he was only blinded by love. He wasn’t perfect, after all.
For lack of a bettter word, and that’s my best excuse.
“I love you.” The words spilled from Gojyo’s mouth before he could think of anything else to say, and he gave Hakkai a lopsided smile. Hakkai stood, and, for a moment, Gojyo felt hopeful.
Hakkai looked over his shoulder at Gojyo, still facing the river, and gave him a sad smile. Hie eyes glittered a deep green, and made Gojyo think of envy and decay and growth and life all at the same time, and they seemed to be saying “I love you, too.” But the only word that escaped Hakkai’s lips was, “Goodbye.”
Gojyo knew what was coming, but he watched still as Hakkai stepped forward and dove into the river. And Gojyo knew he wasn’t coming back up again. But, yet, he stood and waited and held his breath until he felt like he would freeze.
Later on, people blamed Gojyo for Hakkai’s death. Goku, mainly, verbally, at least, but he knew Sanzo did, too, without saying it. He blamed himself, too, and those were really all the people that mattered.
He explained it to himself that Hakkai wanted to die. That was his best excuse.