Disclaimer: Saiyuki is not mine.
Warnings: Hakkai POV, drabble, angst muffins, happy endings.
Author’s note: I got sick of never having happy endings. xD;;; This is sort-of an alternate ending for “Dearly Beloved,” which pisses me off because I hate alternate endings. This is dedicated to Rai, because this seems all too familiar. <3
What do you expect me to do?
Do you expect me to break down and come sobbing back to you and tell you how I always wanted to come back and I love you?
Impossible, both you and I know it’s impossible. It’s true that I love you and it’s true that I want to come back, but do you really think that three short words can excuse everything that I’ve done? Nothing can explain away the pain I cause, the damage I do, the trouble I bring just by living.
And yet, do you expect me to just let you go? After you tracked me down, went through all the trouble to find me and told me how much you love me?
I’d really like to, Gojyo, but you know I can’t. I’m weak and selfish and I always have been, and now my will is melting and my heart is warming and I want more than anything just to turn around and come back to you.
You say I don’t cause you pain. You say that you want me more than anything.
And because I love you so much, I start to believe you. I want so much to be with you.
No. None of that is true. I cause pain, I hurt you, I’m horrible for you. I impose upon you and make troubles for you.
Then you look at me with those eyes and I can’t help it. I break down.
You win. You always win. I come crying back to you and you wrap your arms around me and tell me everything will be be okay and I believe you. And even though our entire lives have been pain and struggle, suddenly everything looks all right.
I guess everyone deserves a happy ending once in a while.