ミランダ (大丈夫) (faded_lace) wrote,
ミランダ (大丈夫)

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fqfest repost one!

je_fqfest reveals occurred, so now I can repost my fics here! I'm proud that I was able to write two fics this year, even though this one was… sort of odd. I hope it's still enjoyable |D;;

title: wretched
rating: nc-17
pairings: Nakajima Yuto/Chinen Yuri; former Yamada Ryosuke/Chinen Yuri; Nakajima Yuto/Okamoto Keito
warnings: Infidelity, voyeurism, and a lot of unhealthy thought processes and self-deprecation play a large part in this; please read with discretion.
word count: 3,770
beta: yomimashou
author's note: Written for je_fqfest! Set in July of 2012, during the Japan leg of JUMP's Asia Tour. I don't really know what I had in mind when I claimed this prompt, but somehow, it turned into something really odd and angst-ridden. I apologize for the dark mood!
summary: After all, a sick part of his mind thinks, Yamada can't have Chinen anymore, and isn't this better than nothing?

Yamada wishes he could be anywhere but here right now, anywhere but trapped in this little hotel room in the worst possible of situations. Well, maybe not the worst possible, but honestly, while he knows there are starving children in Africa and all that, it seems like, at least in all of Japan, there's probably nothing more wretched and miserable than being him right now. His entire life has fallen to pieces, first work and then personal, and every time he doesn't think it could possibly get any worse, everything gets turned upside down all over again, and he doesn't think he can bear it for very much longer… in the long term or the short term.

Honestly, he isn't even sure how he ended up here, metaphorically at least. It almost makes him laugh, if he had any humour or energy to laugh left in him, to think of how happy and excited he'd been at first to be selected as the foremost member first of Hey! Say! 7, and then out of their whole group, how he'd felt bubbly and determined to do his best every time he saw his name listed as the center for a new PV. He'd wanted so badly as a kid to become someone famous, and at first, it had felt like his dream coming true, like all his hard work as a junior had finally paid off. But what he hadn't been prepared for was the antagonism from those passed over and criticism from both coworkers and fans-- fat, ugly, undeserving, tone-deaf, clumsy, untalented… he was all of these things and more, apparently, in the eyes of everyone around him, and it was as if all the underlying fears he'd had ever since he'd learned to doubt himself in grade school were coming true, as if all his worries about his own appearance that had grown with age despite his mother and sisters' assurances that he was fine were really accurate all along, and it had completely crushed the feeling of happiness, of excitement about being chosen. Because… why was he chosen, exactly? He didn't have the looks, or the talent, and now more worthy people weren't getting the attention they deserved because of him. It wasn't that he didn't want it anymore; he did, he always had wanted to become famous, but the juxtaposition of his feelings of ambition and those of uncertainty and doubt tightened inside of his heart and made him feel sick to his stomach and had eventually balled into what he liked to think of as determination to better himself but was probably more aptly described as self hatred.

Because what about him wasn't there to hate? No matter how hard he worked, he'd never be as good a dancer as Yara-kun or A.B.C-Z or Chinen; no matter how much he groomed himself he'd never be beautiful like KimuTaku or MatsuJun. Weeks, months, years of singing practice would never be enough to push him to the level of Ohno-kun or Tegoshi-kun, and no matter how tiny he cut down his meals and how much he worked out, he knew he'd never have a body like Koyama-kun or Sakurai-kun or Kamenashi-kun. Over time, staff and senpai and friends praised his efforts and his growth, but it rang hollow in the wake of thousands of tweets and blog posts (because no matter how hard he tries, he can't stop Yahoo searching himself to find out what the fans are thinking) calling him "pig" and "useless" and a whole plethora of unpleasant things that ring in Yamada's ears when he lays in bed at night, his stomach growling and his muscles aching. It's unpleasant, but as time goes on, he obsesses over it, he starts to like it, like the suffering, because it proves he's working, proves he's trying to fix everything that's wrong with him. One day, he'll be good enough for the rest of JUMP, one day he'll be good enough to be their center.

But for the time being, it's been hard not to feel shaky amongst a group of people who shine so brightly that Yamada would all but fade into nothing if it weren't for the staff putting him in the front, and the more he hates himself, the more he finds himself hating everyone else, too. Because how can he not resent them for being inherently so perfect when he's naturally so imperfect, how can he not be angry when they never doubt themselves or criticize themselves for even a second while he meticulously picks himself apart every second of the day? It's not right, it's not fair, and before he really knew what he was doing, he found himself picking them apart, too, first silently, sullenly to himself, but then, when the anger and resentment got to be too much to retain inside himself, out loud, too, the criticisms leaking out of him like water through cracks in a dam. It had pushed them away; how could it not? But he couldn't stop himself, couldn't deal with the unfairness of it all even as he lost his friends one by one, until finally, in the crowning example of how useless and miserable his existence is, he finally lost the person who'd stood by his side, who, amidst all his flaws and weaknesses, had once told him he loved him, and when he lost Chinen, he really had lost everything.

And so now here he is, single after pushing away certainly the only person who would ever be willing to love him, alone after earning the hatred and abhorrence of everyone around him, and about as wretched as humanly possible. Of course, it was a lot easier to pin down logistically how he had ended up physically here, in this hotel room in Hiroshima-- they'd gone on tour, though tired after Asia and splintered apart with stress from work and school and scandals and everything that came along with being an idol as they were, it hardly even felt like they were a group anymore. But this is real life, this is a career for all of them, not fun and games, and so they all smiled and went through the motions, and no one looked at Yamada or said a word to him outside of what was strictly required. It's normal anymore, but no matter how much Yamada pretends, he can't not feel the sharp sting of loneliness and regret on top of the ever-present self hate, and so he had excused himself as soon as they were done rehearsal, eating a hurried dinner from the convenience store early (because he can't eat after six, and he's sure that even if the rest of the group did want him along, they'll all be eating after that, anyway) before taking a bath and turning in for the night. It was early, but he figured that it was easier for him to be in bed and asleep before Chinen, his assigned roommate, much to his discomfort, got back, anyway.

Unfortunately, unlucky and generally awful as Yamada's life is, Chinen returned only a few minutes after Yamada had turned out the lights. Yamada pretended to be asleep when he heard the door open; it was easier than facing his ex, the person he'd loved with all his heart and somehow still pushed away in his anger and resentment, but what he hadn't been expecting was two sets of footsteps, voices as the door closes with a click. He isn't sure who Chinen's companion is, but now that he's pretended to be asleep, he can't exactly sit up and betray that he's actually awake, and so he's forced to lay on his side, his eyes scrunched closed, hoping that the other person leaves soon and Chinen goes to sleep, but his hopes are shattered as Chinen's bed squeaks twice with the weight of two people sitting on it one after the other and the pair begin to talk.

"Is he asleep?" a voice Yamada recognizes immediately as Yuto asks, and Yamada can't help but tense slightly. He hates Yuto-- not only is he stuck up and lazy and egotistical and entitled and everything else Yamada hates when he has to work so hard for everything that he has, but he's also tall, handsome, and best friends with Chinen for reasons Yamada can't understand. His throat stings with jealousy at the thought of Chinen and Yuto sitting so close together just a few feet away, but it would only make him out to be a creep who pretends to be asleep just to eavesdrop if he spoke up now, and so he grits his teeth and doesn't make a sound.

"I think so," Chinen replies quietly, and the sound of his voice makes Yamada's throat tight in a whole different way. He sounds tired, worn out, lacking the life and energy that used to overflow from him, that drew Yamada to him in the first place, and Yamada hates knowing that it's his fault. But what can he do? Chinen's words from half a year ago still ring in his ears, I guess I'll see you later, Ryosuke, and now Yamada supposes he's forced to suffer the punishment of listening to Chinen spend time with Yuto. At least he knows Yuto is dating Keito, not Chinen… not that he has any say over who Chinen dates anymore.

They shift on the bed, though Yamada can't really tell into what position just by listening. He knows he's being creepy, but he can't help it; no matter how hard he tries to sleep, he can't get his mind to shut off as Chinen and Yuto's conversation continues, his mental image of them together knotting his stomach in envy. And at this point, he'd rather do just about anything than betray to Yuto that he'd been faking this whole time, so there's no choice other than to stick it out and try to block them out… though Yamada already knows that it's impossible.

"He was quiet today, too… I hope he's not getting sick," Chinen adds at length, making Yamada's heart squeeze painfully again, but Yuto scoffs.

"Why are you still worrying about him? You dumped him, remember? You don't have to look out for him like you're his bitch or something."

"He's still our groupmate."

"He's still an asshole."

Chinen sighs heavily but says nothing for a moment, shifting on the bed before quietly replying, "It's late… We should get to bed."

The rustling of sheets and the light sound of something on the ground give Yamada the mental image of Chinen standing, ready to show Yuto to the door, and he breathes a quiet sigh of relief. Of course Chinen would want to sleep, and soon Yuto will be gone, and then they can go back to pretending the other doesn't exist and Yamada can pretend he doesn't know that Yuto and Chinen talk shit about him behind his back and then tomorrow will come and they can do the damn concert and go home. It isn't the best attitude to have, but it's about all he has left right now, and so he squeezes his eyes shut and tells himself that soon, today will be over…

Except after only a few footsteps, the sound stops, interrupted by the noise of skin against skin. "…Yutii?" Chinen asks, and it takes Yamada a moment to realize that Yuto has put his hand on Chinen's shoulder, or his wrist, or some part of him, stopping him in his tracks. His temper flares, how dare Yuto touch Chinen that way?! But there's nothing he can do about it right now, and he's distracted by Yuto's reply a moment later, anyway.

"…let me help you feel better. Let me stay with you," Yuto says, his tone low and serious in a way that it wasn't before, and Yamada feels his stomach drop. Yuto has a boyfriend, Yuto can't possibly be implying--?! But…

"…Yutii… I can't…" Chinen replies with the same heaviness in his voice to mirror Yuto's, and Yamada can't believe what's happening.

"Keito won't mind! I know he won't!" Yuto objects, his voice raising a little in volume and pitch. "We've talked about this sort of thing, sort of, and he'd want you to feel better…!"

"…shh, you'll wake him," Chinen chides quietly, but Yamada can tell just by listening that his heart isn't in it. The sound of the bed giving way yet again shows that Chinen has sat down once again, and Yamada's head is reeling. But he's helpless as Chinen mumbles, "…As long as you're quiet…"

Yamada can practically see Yuto's smug smile as he replies, "Of course," and the bed creaks again with shifting weight as both voices go silent. At first, Yamada can't figure out what's going on in his panic and in the sudden relative quiet, but then Chinen lets out a noise that Yamada is all too familiar with, a quiet sort of humming that Yamada had learned, when he and Chinen were still together, means that Chinen is enjoying a kiss. Back before Yamada ruined everything, back during the year and a half that he and Chinen had spent together, when Chinen had loved him, Yamada had learned that that noise usually came right before Chinen turned things up a notch, and sure enough, a moment later, the noise of covers shifting is followed by a groan from Yuto, and Yamada can imagine as if he were actually watching it, can see in his mind Chinen climbing into Yuto's lap and kissing him with more enthusiasm. Yamada can remember all too well what that felt like, the warm weight of Chinen's legs straddling his own, Chinen's body pressed up against his, Chinen's mouth wet and hot and eager…

It's only when Yuto moans again and Yamada has to bite down on his lip so hard that it hurts to keep from echoing it that he realizes what he's done to himself. Somewhere between the mental image of Chinen and Yuto kissing and Yamada's own visceral memories of Chinen, he'd let his mind wander too far; heat pools in his abdomen and his face flushes with equal parts embarrassment and longing for what he knows he can't have. It's humiliating, that he could allow his body to react this way from eavesdropping on someone else, and he's pathetic, he's disgusting, he's perverted… but he's also getting more turned on by the moment. Chinen and Yuto are both making noise now, little moans and mewls leading up to the sound of a weight impacting the bed, most likely the pair of them moving to a horizontal position all at once, and a shiver runs through Yamada's body at the mental picture. No matter how hard he tries, he can't block the noises out now, and what's more, his body doesn't want him to. He can even feel his hatred and jealousy towards Yuto subsiding as he becomes more of a conduit for fantasizing about Chinen than a rival for Chinen's affection. After all, a sick part of his mind thinks, Yamada can't have Chinen anymore, and isn't this better than nothing?

Before any other side of his brain with any sort of self respect or morals or standards can chime in, Chinen cries out loudly before muffling the noise, presumably in Yuto's shirt. Yamada isn't sure what's going on, but he can imagine-- perhaps Yuto has just rocked his hips down hard against Chinen's into the bed, making Chinen squirm and writhe beneath him, unable to muffle his sounds of pleasure… or maybe Yuto has a hand inside of Chinen's loose sweatpants now, teasing him, giving him a hint of what's to come while Chinen can't contain how much he wants more… the mental images along with the noises, growing in volume and urgency, go straight to Yamada's dick, and before too long, he's painfully hard inside of his pyjama shorts.

He's just going to have to endure until Chinen and Yuto finish and fall asleep so that he can escape to the bathroom in peace, he tells himself, but a moment later, Chinen lets out another moan that sends his hand into his pants before his brain can even catch up. The feeling of relief is overwhelming, and he lets out a shaky breath as he wraps his fingers tightly around his aching cock… only to remember that just as he can hear Yuto and Chinen, they can hear him. He freezes, heart beating out of his chest, but there's no pause in the moans and heavy breathing coming from the other bed, and after another moment, he lets himself relax a little. As long as he's quiet…

He's really disgusting, he thinks, even as he makes excuses for himself, but he can't bring himself to stop now. The pleasure pulses through him as the steady stream of whimpers and mewls coming from Chinen's mouth fuels the movements of his hand wrapped tightly around his cock. It's easier to forget if he just focuses on the sounds and the feelings… but a few moments later, his attempt at denial is thwarted again when Chinen's voice trails out in favor of some rustling of the bed clothes and then the pop of a cap and, shortly after, the ripping of a plastic package.

There's a bit of conversation, but it barely registers to Yamada, because he knows what's happening, knows what's to come. He can practically see Chinen, poised on his hands and knees, thighs spread wide, his ass presented just so, or else laying on his back looking deliciously debauched, his legs splayed, his face flushed and eyes cloudy with need… the fantasy is almost enough to spur Yamada on, but when suddenly, Chinen lets out a nasal sighing moan that sends sparks through Yamada, he knows vaguely, somewhere in the back of his mind, it was better to wait. The majority of his thoughts, however, are devoted to the mental image of Yuto pressing into Chinen as Yamada attempts to simulate the motion as much as possible with his hand.

Normally, Yamada would be offended, or at least jealous, at how loudly Chinen reacts to Yuto beginning to fuck him, but right now, he doesn't think he wants anything more than to hear Chinen continue to moan and cry out his pleasure in time with the rhythmic sound of the bed. Yuto's guttural groans are surprisingly inoffensive as they grow louder in time with Chinen's; it's as if they only accentuate the sounds of Chinen's pleasure, as if it's on purpose, like Yamada's own personal porn. In some ways, it is, though it's sick to think of it that way, but Yamada doesn't, can't let that bother him now.

"Oh-- god, more--" Chinen whimpers, and Yamada jerks himself harder as if to comply, using all the will power he has left to keep from making any sort of noise in reaction. Yuto must have had the same response, because Chinen suddenly practically screams, and Yamada can just picture the way he must be throwing his head back in pure abandon, rocking his hips to meet Yuto's, pale skin all flushed and legs spread as far as possible to let Yuto in as far as he can go… And Yamada himself is so close now as Chinen continues to vocalize his pleasure, the moans and whimpers mounting until suddenly he cries out shrilly before going quiet, and the sound is so familiar, so real that Yamada can picture him coming, can practically feel the sensation of all his muscles tightening with the pleasure of release, and it's with that fantasy that he comes, making a mess of the inside of his pyjama pants.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he's aware of Yuto coming with a long groan and then the two of them laying still for a bit, but his mind is blissfully empty, free for the first time in a long time of worries or fears or hatred towards himself or anyone else. Despite the fact that he's sticky and he has a sinking feeling that he's going to hate himself more than ever in a few minutes, once the endorphins wear off, for now, he feels wonderfully content, and he lets out a sigh as he slowly begins to come out of his post-orgasm haze.

"What was that?" comes a sudden hushed whisper in Yuto's voice, almost comically quiet in comparison to the sex moans that were coming from the other bed a moment earlier. "Did he-- is he--??"

There's a moment of quiet, then the rustling of sheets. "His eyes are still closed," Chinen responds, and while Yamada isn't entirely sure what Chinen means by that, Yuto seems to take it as a reassurance.

Silence returns for a little bit longer, before Chinen suggests they get cleaned up and Yuto follows him to the bathroom, closing the door behind them and leaving Yamada blissfully alone again. It's a moment before he dares to move, but once he feels relatively certain that they're not going to reappear in the near future, he slowly pushes back the covers and pulls down his pyjama pants before grabbing a handful of tissues from the nightstand. He's a total mess, but there isn't much of an option besides do the best he can, since Yuto and Chinen are monopolizing the only running water in the room. It isn't so bad, even if he does feel humiliatingly like a teenager, and when Chinen and Yuto don't show any signs of reappearing in the near future, he dares to slip out of bed and take the few steps to toss the crumpled mass of tissues into the trash can before hiding back beneath the covers.

Surprisingly, he thinks as his body relaxes automatically into the squishy hotel mattress, more than ashamed or self-hating, right now, he just feels sleepy. He's pretty sure that the shame is going to set in in the morning, but considering that he hasn't slept well in months, kept up into the early hours of the morning by thoughts of how useless he is, how he's holding the group back, how everyone hates him, he isn't even sure that's a bad trade off. And so, rolling over and trying to shut out any thoughts of what Chinen and Yuto might be doing together in the bathroom, he drifts off into a dreamless sleep thinking that, wretched as he is, at the very least, his life can't get much worse.
Tags: bl, hey! say! jump, one-shot

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