pairing: gen; Tegoshi-centric; former Tegoshi→Yamapi
warnings: ABO-universe; m-preg; mention of unsafe sex; mention of unhealthy relationship dynamics; teenage pregnancy (18 years old); passing mention of abortion, negative presentation of Yamapi. If any of these things are offensive or upsetting to you, please read with discretion.
word count: 1,260
beta: yomimashou; 9kinds
author's note: I don't even know what to say about this one OTL. It's set in early 2006 in my Johnny's ABO-verse for which the original fic is here. This is one of those story lines that I made up with my friends that I wasn't ever expecting to make it into fic format but… somehow, it happened. Please read the warnings! Written for shiritori @ writetomyheart~
summary: Tegoshi thinks maybe he's the one who's beginning to understand a little bit about strength.
"I wouldn’t expect you to understand. It's okay," Tegoshi says with a weak smile, looking from Massu standing at his side, his hand on Tegoshi's shoulder, to Koyama across the room, diligently folding Tegoshi's rehearsal clothes into his bag, to Shige off in the corner, still looking as lost as he had the day the news about Kusano's drinking photos had broken but yet somehow strong at the same time. With their eyes all on him, Tegoshi feels deeply aware of everything that he is in that moment-- the only omega in the group, the youngest member and the least experienced one, too, one of the people causing problems for their careers, and even more than before, a burden, and he hates himself for it, hates that despite his best efforts, he's let his weaknesses overtake him again. But this time, he can't just fix it; it's not as easy as relying on Massu to help him with the choreography or depending on Koyama to help him bridge his way into group activities or allowing Shige to style his hair before shows. Now he's gone and done something that he can't make better, and while he knows there's nothing to do now but face forwards and move ahead with all the strength he has, it's hard to even think about how he can possibly do that when he feels impossibly alone and scared.
Because it had been stupid to get as caught up with Yamashita-kun as he had; it had been stupid to think that Yamashita-kun had cared as much about Tegoshi as Tegoshi had about him, no matter young and naive he had been at the time. He'd had stars in his eyes over Yamashita-kun since practically the moment he first saw him, and it had seemed like a dream come true when Yamashita-kun had taken an interest in him, but now, looking back, it's so stupidly clear to Tegoshi that what for him had felt like a lover affair was nothing more than casual sex to Yamashita-kun. It had been a dumb, youthful mistake, and his broken heart had been one thing, but it was an entirely different matter that he'd let Yamashita-kun talk him into doing it all without protection while Tegoshi had been in heat, and finding out that Yamashita-kun hadn't cared about him in the slightest when he'd told Yamashita-kun that he was pregnant and Yamashita-kun had responded well then get rid of it had made the whole thing about a hundred times harder to bear. And so now here he is, 18 years old, single, a member of an idol unit where his type was supposed to be a secret and he was certainly not supposed to be carelessly having sex, and pregnant, and he doesn't really have any idea how to move forward from here.
But if there was one thing that he'd known when this whole ordeal had come to a head, it was that he wasn't going to let anyone tell him what to do no matter what, and once he'd decided to keep the baby, he's never looked back. There have been times when he's been scared, there have been times when he's felt alone, but through it all he knows he isn't going to let himself get pushed down and stepped on anymore. He has regrets-- plenty of them, to be sure-- but he also is going to be damned if he lets himself take any of the blame that's rightfully Yamashita-kun's, and so he pushes through the rehearsals and the meetings, he braces himself for the long shinkansen rides and does his best not to let any weakness show. He knows that he's already causing trouble; it's painfully clear every time the wardrobe staff have to let out the seams of his costumes and add another layer of ruffles and feathers to conceal his growing baby bump, every time the choreographers have to rearrange the staging to accommodate his deceasing ability to move around quickly, but if nothing else, he won't let himself be a burden on the other members, no matter what.
And so, when, after their last teching rehearsal in Nagoya, Massu had come over to him and put a hand on his shoulder and looked at him with that piercing gaze and said, "I don't know anything about being pregnant, but if you tell me what you need I'll get it for you," Tegoshi had been at once deeply touched-- though he sometimes still felt ill at ease around the others, he'd known Massu for so long that sometimes, he felt like Tegoshi's (really socially awkward) brother, and Tegoshi liked to think that he understood Massu well-- and also intensely anxious that he was once again being seen as a burden to the group. And so he smiles and shakes his head even as the others chime in in agreement, because while he really does appreciate their concern, he knows he has to stand on his own two feet.
So, "It's really okay. I'm fine. And there's no way I could expect you guys to know what goes into being pregnant, anyway," he replies, trying to seem as positive as possible, "So please don't worry about me." Because no matter how nice it has always seemed to have friends around him who want to be there for him and help him… he knows that right now, his choices have made it so that he has to prove himself alone. He can't let the other members think that he's weak, and so he tries his best to smile and give them the impression that he can take care of himself.
He's not sure what he's expecting, but he definitely isn't expecting for Massu to glance over his shoulder at Koyama and Shige, who both immediately stop what they're doing and draw nearer to Tegoshi, and for a moment, Tegoshi is worried that he's offended them. But then suddenly, Koyama is drawing him into a hug, tender and tight and comforting, and then Shige joins in, weaker and wobblier but still assertive all the same, and then last, he feels Massu's strong arms wrapping around him as well, and somehow, he marvels, wrapped up in the warmth of his groupmates and perhaps even his friends, despite the fact that he's going weak in the knees, he somehow also feels stronger than he's been all day.
And when they break apart but not away, Tegoshi looks again at Shige, skin sallow and hair overgrown but with a heat in his eyes that Tegoshi feels to his core, and then to Koyama, so talented and independent in his own right but yet so soft and gentle and nurturing towards Tegoshi, always and especially now, and then to Massu, usually incapable of expressing himself well but yet somehow overwhelming Tegoshi with his loyalty and friendship just through a few words and a single touch, and somehow, despite his determination to be strong, he feels as if he's going to cry. But even as the tears start to well in his eyes, the others don't look away, and when Massu opens his mouth, it feels as if he's speaking for all three of them as he says, "So tell us. We want to understand."
And, "…okay," Tegoshi finds himself saying, a stray tear breaking free even as he can't help but break into a small grin, and as he begins to explain to them, he thinks, maybe he's the one who's beginning to understand a little bit about strength.