title: Settle Down
pairing: Yaotome Hikaru x Inoo Kei
warnings: This is a comedy fic, so many of the characters are rather characterized and behave in ridiculous ways. If that’s not your cup of tea, please read with caution!
word count: 1,947
author’s note: Sometimes, yomimashou and I end up talking about ridiculous scenarios like this, and on occasion, they become fic. XD; This is totally off the wall… my apologies. |D; It also is somewhat based on headcanons that I have that made it into fic here and here.
summary: It’s been about five months since Hikaru’s uncharacteristically romantic proposal on an international radio broadcast and the subsequent explosion of rumors and talk around the agency when Koyama-kun ambushes Inoo in the hall on his way to rehearsal.
It’s been about five months since Hikaru’s uncharacteristically romantic proposal on an international radio broadcast and the subsequent explosion of rumors and talk around the agency and related entertainment circles when Koyama-kun ambushes Inoo in the hall on his way to rehearsal. Things had been crazy at first; Inoo didn’t know he was popular enough amongst his coworkers, but the sheer number of texts he had received from senpai and kouhai alike over the week and a half or so after the proposal was insane, and even if it was mildly amusing to hear juniors whispering disbelieving things every time he passed them at the agency or the rehearsal hall, after the first few days it got old quickly. So when things had begun to settle down about a month after the now-infamous radio show a few days before Inoo’s birthday, he had frankly been grateful. It wasn’t that he didn’t like to know people cared about him, but being the center of attention of the whole agency was more than a little overwhelming, and it wasn’t as if he and Hikaru were planning on getting married tomorrow. He doesn’t know what the future will hold, and while they’ve gotten into the Johnny’s marriage line, their turn and nationally instituted gay marriage are both something that probably won’t happen for some time, and for right now, he’s happy that Hikaru wants to commit to him— that sentiment means more than the legalities to him at this stage, anyway.
And so, he lives his life out contentedly as Hikaru’s fiancé for the next few months feeling pretty much the same as when he was Hikaru’s boyfriend; he has dinner out with his castmates on Soshite Dare mo Inakunatta through the end of August, continues to joke around with the casters on Mezamashi TV, works through the exhaustion of touring with the other JUMP members, and generally feels like life is good and normal. After all, his and Hikaru’s relationship and level of commitment and future plans are between himself and Hikaru, and while he’s happy that they’re into their second year living together in their little apartment in Shinagawa, that they grow stupid hipster plants on their balcony together and fight over the last slice of pizza together and (if Inoo’s convincing is working as well as he thinks it is) may soon even own a cat together, thoughts of romantic domesticity don’t exactly cloud his thoughts from morning to night. There are a lot of great things going on in his life right now, and even if going home to Hikaru each night and waking up beside Hikaru each morning is definitely near the top of the list, it’s not all-encompassing.
Still, he does sometimes get caught up in a reverie from time to time, and he’s unfortunately right in the middle of smiling and thinking to himself that it will be nice to get home and relax tonight with Hikaru after a long day of rehearsal when, before he knows what’s happening, Koyama-kun is upon him, an almost eerily wide grin on his face. “Congratulations on your engagement,” he gushes without even giving Inoo a chance to say so much as hello, and Inoo can tell immediately from the tone of his voice that things are about to get worse not better— while they’re both busy and don’t see much of one another anymore, Inoo has worked off and on with Koyama-kun and his group since the early days of Ya-ya-yah, and he knows what to expect when it comes to topics like relationships and marriage. Koyama-kun has always been more than a little bit of a romantic, and while Inoo knows he means all the best, he’s sometimes overwhelming to say the least, and so Inoo is already trying to think of escape routes as Koyama leans in closer.
“Thank you, Koya—” Inoo starts, but before he can get any further, Koyama is taking Inoo’s hands in his own, looking into his eyes, questions already tumbling forward out of his mouth.
“Where are you in the agency wedding line? When is the wedding? Who’s your best man? Where will you hold the wedding?” Koyama-kun asks, his eyes sparkling in an alarming manner, and Inoo tries to extract himself with relatively little luck. He’s just managed to slip his hands out of Koyama-kun’s grasp when suddenly, Koyama-kun’s eyes get even sparklier (something Inoo didn’t think was possible), and he adds, “What are you going to start adopting children~??”
Inoo feels the strong urge to either laugh or cry (he’s honestly not sure which), but since neither would probably be appropriate, especially considering this conversation is with a senpai, he instead tries to focus on what an appropriate response to something so incredibly detached from reality would be. I have to go, sorry or We haven’t decided anything yet seem like good candidates, but somehow, in the panic of the moment, what comes out of Inoo’s mouth is a trolling, “Actually, I’m pregnant.”
As soon as he speaks, he knows that he shouldn’t have said that; while most people would be able to take the joke, Koyama-kun is his senior, and Inoo knows he shouldn’t say things that might come off as mocking or impolite, even if Koyama-kun seems unaware of personal boundaries regardless of whether he’s talking to a kouhai or a senpai. However, Inoo is Inoo, and joking is what comes most naturally to him, so he offers a smile and a laugh, hoping Koyama will laugh along.
He feels confident that Koyama won’t be angry, but if he were to be annoyed, Inoo would understand that, too… but somehow, what Inoo was distinctly not expecting was for Koyama’s eyes to practically fill with tears as he exclaims, “That’s wonderful!” before realizing that he’s running late and bidding Inoo goodbye with a final wave and sparkle. Inoo is left to watch him as he disappears down the hall, wondering if he’s the one being trolled or if Koyama-kun is actually that… well… stupid.
However, three hours later, after morning rehearsal is nearly finished, Inoo has all but forgotten the conversation. He’d meant to laugh about it with the other members when he arrived, but then Yuto had been in the middle of telling a joke when he’d arrived, and that had led into Keito telling the story of something Yamada had done when they were out together last weekend, and by the time the conversation had dwindled down, the rehearsal director was calling for them to get warmed up, and the run-in with Koyama-kun had totally slipped Inoo’s mind. After all, with their Dome concerts to focus on now that the tour is done, things are still busy in the group on top of Inoo’s solo activities, and Inoo has plenty of other things than his senpai’s idiosyncrasies to think about. He’s just in the middle of making plans to get a late lunch with Daiki and Chinen before going to a Peach Girl promotional photoshoot scheduled for that evening when suddenly, his phone rings. Seeing as his manager is in the building, his coworkers are all here, and his family and college friends know that they’re more likely to get a response if they text, Inoo has no idea who it might be, and is in the middle of racking his mind to try to remember if he’d ordered anything online that might be delivered today when he glances at his phone and very nearly drops it in shock. The incoming call is from none other than Johnny-san himself, and Inoo shows the screen to Daiki and Chinen with overblown confusion before he gets himself together and hits the green icon on the screen.
“Hey,” Johnny-san says casually in response to Inoo’s polite greeting when he answers the phone, as if he were a friend and not the president of the company that Inoo works for; Inoo can’t help but wonder if he goes out of his way to try to be “hip” or if he naturally picks up weird slang from spending so much of his time around young people, but whatever the reason, he’s used to it by now. And besides, he has more important things to worry about as Johnny-san continues, “I heard from Koyama-kun that you’re pregnant.”
Inoo is pretty sure that he’s heard wrong, because while Johnny-san is almost assuredly at least somewhat senile, there’s no way that he’s forgotten one of the most basic facts of human biology, right? At least, that’s what Inoo thinks, and so, “Sorry… what was that?” he asks, only to have Johnny-san repeat himself over again, “Koyama-kun told me that you’re pregnant,” and as the company president proceeds to congratulate him over the phone, Inoo thinks that his day just got a whole lot more complicated.
“Stop by my office when you get the moment,” Johnny-san is saying when Inoo comes out of the momentary frozen panic into which his brain had descended with Johnny-san’s insistence that he’s pregnant, “I want to give you a present.”
“A present?” Inoo practically croaks, slightly horrified at how quickly this is all escalating, “That’s really not necessary—”
But, “No, no, your first child is a big life event,” Johnny-san insists dismissively, “I want to give you something. Come by the office sometime this week. I went ahead and ordered a hundred kilos of sekihan for you and Yaotome-kun to enjoy, now that you two are settling down together.”
“A- a hundred kilos…?!” Inoo wheezes, but he can practically hear Johnny-san’s grandfatherly smile through the phone as he says, “I’ll see you soon, and congratulations again!” before hanging up.
When Inoo stops staring at his phone screen in disbelief, he’s met by incredulous expressions from Chinen and Daiki, as well as most of the other members of the group who have stopped what they’re doing and come over to listen to Inoo’s side of the conversation. “Well, come on, fill us in!” Yuto insists almost as soon as Inoo has hung up, but it takes Inoo a long moment to process what’s just happened before he replies numbly, “Johnny-san thinks I’m pregnant, and he wants to give me a congratulatory present.”
This causes the entire group to explode in a rather noisy brouhaha of incredulous excitement, with everyone asking a variety of (rather justified) questions about how this came about and what Inoo knew and why such a rumor had made it all the way to the president of the company. Inoo is in the process of trying to tell the story from the beginning when his phone rings again, and he’s dismayed to discover that this time, the caller is Takizawa-kun.
He’s halfway tempted to just let the phone ring through, but now that everyone is watching, he knows that he doesn’t have a choice but to answer, and so, with a heavy sigh, he once again presses the receive icon and holds the phone to his face and braces himself.
“Inoo-kun?? Congratulations!! I heard the good news!” Takizawa-kun says on the other end of the phone in that tone of voice that comes out when he’s particularly high-strung.
“Um… thanks…” Inoo replies, trying to figure out how to navigate the dangerous water of Takizawa-kun’s moods, “But actually… you see… the thing is…”
But before he has a chance to even start to explain the situation, Takizawa-kun cuts in again. “Yabu-kun is the father, right???” he asks urgently, as if his life depended on it, and as Inoo does everything in his power to bite back another heavy sigh, he marvels at how wrong he had been when he’d thought that things had finally settled down.