title: Cat Person
pairing: Yaotome Hikaru x Inoo Kei
word count: 1,033
author’s note: Ever since the episode of Itadaki High JUMP where Scottish Fold cats were ranked as Hikaru’s favorite kind of cat, I’ve been saying that Inoo should get one, and it’s become sort of a joke that maybe Hikaru would actually start to like them.
summary: Inoo wonders what sort of strange irony had made him into the complainer and Hikaru into the cat person.
“Morning~” comes the sound of Hikaru’s voice from the hazy edges of Inoo’s consciousness; being awoken by Hikaru either for morning sex or homemade breakfast on days off has definitely been one of the perks of living with Hikaru for the past year, and so he smiles a little at the greeting. However, despite what the staff of Mezamashi TV might want viewers to believe, he’s never been the most bright-eyed and bushy-tailed first thing in the morning. And so, despite the fact that Inoo is actually quite fond of waking up in this fashion, he can’t help but swat at Hikaru, as is their usual routine. After that Hikaru will continue to poke at him and offer either food or sex (or in rare instances, something else enticing like birthday presents), and Inoo will groan and open his eyes, and then Hikaru will smile that winning, surprisingly-straight-toothed smile, and then Inoo will let Hikaru pull him up with a smile as well.
Only, today, when Inoo swats at Hikaru and groans for five more minutes, he’s not met with Hikaru’s hands, but instead, a sudden weight on top of his chest with alarming force. He lets out something between a choked scream and a primeval squawking noise, which cause the weight on him to suddenly be stabbing him from four pressure points, at which point Inoo realizes that Hikaru has dropped the cat on him.
“Why do you keep doing that?” he gripes, attempting to calm the startled animal on his chest before he’s met with any more injury. “It was much better when you tickled me awake. At this point I’m starting to develop claw scars on my chest.” After a moment, he dares to open an eye, but his view of where Hikaru must be standing is totally blocked by a fluffy white tail in his face, and he realize that not only has Hikaru dumped the cat on him, he’s dumped the cat on him butt-first. He pets her for a few more minutes until she settles down and eventually turns partway around to splay inelegantly across Inoo’s chest, but some of her fur is still standing up a little, and Inoo raises an eyebrow at Hikaru now that his view is unobstructed. “Besides, I don’t think Nyanchan likes it, you know,” he adds, though the fact that the cat is now purring as Inoo scratches behind her ears is sort of detracting from his point.
Hikaru, however, looks deeply offended, and immediately snatches Nyanchan off of Inoo’s chest again, clutching her close to his chest as if she were a baby and earning himself a look of shock and alarm from the cat herself. “Nyanchan loves me! What are you implying?!” he asks defensively, and Inoo rolls his eyes, wondering how his life has come to this.
He can recall being ecstatic when, after filming the Itadaki High JUMP location where he was forced to interact with cats, Hikaru had grudgingly admitted that Scottish Folds weren’t that bad and that maybe, if Inoo was desperate for a cat, he could endure living with one of those. Inoo had started looking into it almost immediately, sharing what information he found and expressing his gratitude to Hikaru at every step along the way, and within a few months, they’d adopted Nyanchan (short for Nyando Tadao, after Inoo’s favorite architect; he revels in the bad pun even when his groupmates roll their eyes). At first, Hikaru had been skeptical and reluctant to interact at all, but somehow, over the course of the first two weeks, everything had changed with unbelievable speed. Perhaps being around a cat for the majority of his time at home had finally opened his eyes to the cuteness of their mannerisms, or perhaps the fact Nyanchan had, for the majority of the time, totally left Hikaru alone to play video games and write music despite the fits Hikaru threw the first few times Inoo left him alone at home with her had swayed his affections, or perhaps just the merit of the fact that Nyanchan was the first real, serious product of Inoo and Hikaru’s cohabitation had some sort of magical romantic power. But whatever the reason, it had taken less than a month for Hikaru to start talking to Nyanchan in a weird crooning voice and carrying her around with him wherever he went in the apartment and using her as backup to his arguments no matter how many times Inoo protested that the cat couldn’t speak Japanese and she was only going with him because he gave her far more treats than the vet had recommended.
But while Inoo could deal with all of that (and was, in fact, happy that Hikaru had somehow done a total one-eighty from his previous opinion on cats), Hikaru dumping the cat on him every morning was going a bit far, and so, “Maybe I shouldn’t have even gotten the cat at all,” he grumbles, running a hand through his tousled hair and struggling to bring himself into being awake enough to deal with this ridiculous situation.
He’s not totally sure what response he had been expecting, but he most definitely had not been expecting the deeply scandalized gasp of shock that Hikaru had let out before practically smashing the cat to his chest, covering her ears with his free hand. “Don’t say that in front of Nyanchan!” he hisses at Inoo, before turning back to the cat and cooing, “It’s okay baby, Papa won’t let Mama do anything mean to you! Because you’re my baaaaby, aren’t youuuuuu~”
Hikaru has always been weird, but this is without a doubt far weirder than he’s ever behaved before, and Inoo is at a loss. He supposes he ought to take a video or something, to show the others what a hard life he has now that his boyfriend has declared himself the cat’s ‘papa,’ but five minutes into his day, he just doesn’t have the energy. And so, without another word, Inoo lets out a long-suffering sigh and flops back onto the bed, wondering what sort of strange irony had made him into the complainer and Hikaru into the cat person.